Oscar Wilde said he always passed on advice because it wasof no use whatsoever to him!
He was a wise man. But we're all wise, aren't we?So why not give advice?
Simple: People usually do know what they're supposed to doin any given situation, yet for one reason or another,they're not doing it!
It is frustrating to look at someone else's dilemma andwatch them fail to take what seem obvious remedies.
Remember, everyone is unique, with complex conscious andunconscious motivations. There are many factors to which theadvisor is not privy.
We usually just want confirmation of a decision alreadymade. Many of us don't trust ourselves enough to makedecisions. Psychologists say we often make a decision withina few seconds, but feel the need to go through some checkingprocess.
Pressure on someone to change their decision may work,especially if they are unconfident. But your preferredcourse of action may not suit them for hundreds of differentreasons. They are NOT you and you are NOT in their shoes. Itcan even lead to disaster.
Feelgood satisfaction for the advisor is not a healthymotivation. It's unethical to give inappropriate advice tomake yourself feel powerful or needed.
And advice is often manipulative.
My friend was having a party and couldn't decide whether tofill the house with flowers. A third friend launched into awhole complicated monologue about the cost of the flowers,the work involved arranging them, and so on.
The party giver's cat wandered in. I said I wouldn't pet itbecause I am allergic to long haired cats. The advice giverimmediately sympathised.
'Oh, I am allergic to so many things, I have to avoid cats,dust mites, pollen... you name it!'
She reddened and suddenly went very quiet. Her 'advice' wasbased on the fact that large number of pollen-laden flowerswould have spoiled the party for her!
An honest response would have been: 'flowers would make ithard for me to come to your party...'
I don't give advice to psychotherapy clients. We often needa range of options to process. I just support them in comingup with options, that's all.
Expert opinion is valuable - but the giver needs to detachfrom the outcome.
Practical advice is different: if water is pouring out of aburst pipe you need the person who knows the location of thestopcock!
But if someone asks for more abstract 'advice' I'll firstask what they think they should do, and if they're stuck,I'll say, 'well, you might want to look at... etc'
That leaves it open. Because hey, if it all goes wrong Idon't want the responsibility of having made the decisionfor them!
