Len Stauffenger

When Is It Right To Share Plans With Your Kids?

Divorced Parents have an uphill and ongoing struggle to stay communicated for the sake of your children. You'll have to remove the emotion from it and 'just do it."

When I was divorced, I discussed major moves with my ex that involved both her and our daughters. When I moved from my first apartment to a house, I told her I was moving and what the new contact information would be. When I put the girls into a private school, I talked it over with her first. When they had to go to a dentist and I needed to find one closer to school so they could walk there while I was working, I let her know which one they would be going to. I thought communication was important for the sake of our children.

That is one aspect of family living after divorce that has to be addressed: communicating changes. But your ex isn't the only one who needs to know about the changes in your kids lives however. Your kids need it too, especially if you are the parent with whom the children live. I came across a method from corporate America involving executive decisions. The CEO and Vice Presidents always did a Sanity Check before they made any announcements:

1. Does this make sense?

2. Who else needs to know?

3. Who will this decision affect?

Please think about these three questions when you make decisions in your kids' lives that can affect both them and others. If you can answer "Yes" to "Does this make sense?" does that mean it makes sense only to you? Have you run it by a mentor or parent or wise friend? Would an adult friend at work give you the green light? I know we all think that our decisions are like crystal, but others might not see the same clarity you do. If you run your decision by others, they might help you shine more light on it.

Who else in the life of you, your children, and your ex's family and friends needs to be taken into consideration? Have you informed that set of grandparents? Does this involve the child's school in any way? Have you told the school? What about your childcare provider? Will your decision affect them? It's nice to give as many people as you can proper notice so they can weave the change into their own plans?

Who will this decision affect? Is it a good affect or not? Universal good means the greatest good for the greatest number and I hope you'll operate under that auspice. How will the child be affected? Because looking after what is good for them is a priority, this consideration should be #1 on your list.

When you find yourself planning major moves that will alter your life and the lives of your kids when you're divorced, I don't think it's wise to run these ideas by children under the age of 12. They don't process change easily and they may still be recovering from the changes forced on them by the divorce, so if you can do your processing out of sight or earshot from them, it would be a great kindness. You can plan when and how to tell them after you reach a decision. I always thought that communication with my ex was important though and worked to make that happen for the sake of my kids.

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