That he should die was not the question, nor that it should be by knife, what more appropriate end for a butcher than to die by the tools of his trade. No, the question was where would the deed be done?
I wanted to get away with this and for that to happen I needed to be absolutely certain that I could remove every trace of his hateful DNA from the inside of my home. The only room with a certifiably wipe-clean floor surface was the kitchen – thanks to my wonderful new self-adhesive vinyl floor tiles.
The sitting room was out obviously, the butchers type ‘O’ or whatever it was would be next to impossible to expunge from our comfortable mushroom coloured woollen carpet despite the extravagant claims of the manufacturer. The hall and stairs perhaps? Sure, they were floored with well sealed original pine floor boards and could be wiped pretty clean but could I guarantee no genetic information would hide in the grain? Or worse, seep through into the void below? The bathroom seemed an obvious contender, after all isn’t a mortuary clad in ceramic tiles? Aah, but what about the grout? Could I be certain that all his blood could be scrubbed from that?
No, only my kitchen floor with its seamless and impervious covering of superb value easy to install self-adhesive vinyl tiles offered me the arena of death I needed for the perfect crime. Ten minutes with mop and hot bleachy water and all trace of the villains’ essential fluids would be removed from the scene leaving me in the clear and the world a considerably better place.
The murder itself went off smoothly – he suspected nothing and hit the deck like half a cow carcass with just the briefest look of surprise on his odious face before oblivion overtook him. The forensics team were unable to find even the tiniest scrap of him in my kitchen and although the investigating officers had their suspicions that was all they had and so long as I held my nerve I remained in the clear.
But now it is done do I feel any better? Revenge is sweet, but not for long and now I’m left alone with my memories and any sense of purpose to my life has been removed. The one consolation I have is my fabulous kitchen floor, as beautiful now as the day it was laid, surprisingly hard wearing for such an inexpensive flooring solution and so much fun with its bright colours and pattern. Yes, my self-adhesive vinyl floor tiles are at once my solace and…
accomplice in murder.
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