Jack Kean

How I Could Be A Better Man

Will getting ketchup out of a bottle really mean I am a better man? 

I sat down in the aptly named waiting room at the doctor's office and my attention was drawn to a seductively posed woman on the cover of a slick magazine. Disregarding Over 55 and similar publications I immediately grabbed the aforementioned magazine. After fully appreciating the cover photo my attention was drawn to a very large teaser for 14 pages guaranteed to make me a better man. While I'm not totally convinced that I need to become a better man, others may have a contrary opinion. Was it possible that any of these 14 pages could apply to me? I quickly thumbed to the section in question and began learning what it would take to become a better man.

The first article was titled, "How To Disarm A Gunman." Excuse me? Here it is the twenty-first century and the measure of a man is whether he can disarm a gunman? I don't think so. After a career in law enforcement let me assure you that attempting to disarm a gunman ought to be darn near the last thing on earth you want to do. If this is something that comes up in your life on a regular basis trust me you are doing something wrong.

"How To Fire Someone" was the second winning entry. Oh yeah, this is great stuff. First I disarm the guy then I fire him for good measure, or vice versa. One of the intriguing suggestions made here was to get someone else to do it. Getting someone else to do the dirty work hardly seems the path to becoming a better man.

The next article I perused was, "How To Get Ketchup Out Of A Bottle." I'm not kidding. Clearly this is one of the great challenges of mankind and a requirement for being a better man. Who came up with this stuff? Then there was, "How To Start A Fire Without Matches." Hey, a better man carries matches.; We invented them so we wouldn't have to make fire with a stick.

"How To Replace A Toilet," and "How To Do a 180 Degree Turn" were other helpful pieces. I never thought that the ability to replace a toilet was the true measure of a man, unless he happened to be a plumber. Where will I practice making these 180-degree turns and how often are they really necessary?

Then there were great articles about carving a turkey and removing stains. Darn we men have to be versatile. "Hi honey, I just disarmed a gunman, fired my secretary and got some ketchup out of a bottle. Unfortunately it got on my new shirt so now I'll get that stain out and be back in a jif to carve that turkey."

Other suggestions contained in the 14 pages included not attending church drunk and never re-heating anything containing tuna. There was also the required reminder to put down the toilet seat. That seems to be a major problem for the fair sex.

Darn we men have to be so versatile, it's not just hunting and fishing and football anymore.

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