Speak Up For Yourself, Create and Communicate Boundries

Do you have internal rules about how you expect the people in your life to
treat you?  Are you comfortable speaking up for yourself when someone
crosses one of those lines?  Are you able to say no when you don't want to
participate in something you've been asked to consider? 

Your ability to speak up for yourself, and to say no are directly related to
your ability to set boundaries.  In this lesson, I'd like to explore what a
boundary is, and identify where you may need to set and enforce boundaries in
your life.

Boundaries

A boundary is a limit, or a behavioral line which cannot be crossed. 
The manner in which you allow others to interact with you is governed by the
interpersonal boundaries you've defined in your life, and your enforcement of
these boundaries is the primary way you protect your emotional self.

When I work with someone to establish a personal system of boundaries we
focus on three areas of behavior.  They include; the manner in which you
are spoken to, the requests that are made of you, and the physical space
surrounding you.  Let's take a look at each of these areas.

Word Boundaries
The manner in which another
individual speaks to you is reflective of both the level of respect that person
has for you, and the standard of behavior the person holds themselves to. 
While you cannot impact the standards of another person, you can require a
standard of communication for their interaction with you.

I'll use my own boundaries as an example in this area.  I will not allow
another person to raise their voice when speaking to me, to speak sarcastically
or caustically to me, or to direct mean spirited teasing at me.  I have
clearly defined my parameters for acceptable behavior in this area, and I am
willing to enforce them when necessary.

Requirement Boundaries
Requirement boundaries
are applicable to the expectations that another person has about how you will
allocate and invest your resources.  When another individual makes a
request of you which you'd prefer to decline, you're in your requirement
boundary zone.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't support the people in your life. 
I am suggesting that in the event that you'd rather not participate in
something, and you find yourself doing so out of a sense of obligation, you're
not being true to yourself   It is in these instances that you may
want to consider establishing clear boundaries.

Physical Boundaries
Have you ever had a
conversation with an individual who continually moved into your space? 
Have you known a person who repetitively touched you as you spoke with
them?  These people lacked an understanding of physical boundaries.

A physical boundary supports your ability to create and maintain an
acceptable level of space around you.  Your boundaries in this area will
govern how close someone may stand to you, and the physical manner in which they
may interact with you. 

Define Your Boundaries

You show people how to treat you every time you interact with them.  If
you allow someone to tell a joke at your expense, laughing on the outside while
wincing on the inside, you're teaching them they can bully you.  If you
allow your mate or children to leave their personal items all over the house,
cleaning up after them as you move through your home, you're teaching them
you'll clean up after them. 

Take a few moments to decide how you'll require others to treat you.  As
you do so, stay focused on the respect, appreciation, and consideration you know
you deserve.

Enforce Your Boundaries

The successful enforcement of interpersonal boundaries requires clear
communication.  The five part model outlined below is used quite regularly
in the coaching industry, and will support you as you embrace your own
process. 

• Inform - Clearly describe the problem.
  


• Define The Unacceptable -Let the other party now
  what about their behavior was not acceptable.
  


• Share Your Emotions - Let the other person know
  how the situation made you feel.
  


• Request The Solution You Seek - Ask the other
  person for the solution you seek.
  


• Let Them Know Their Alternatives - Let the other
  person know what you plan to do if they won't comply with your
  request.

The process of setting and enforcing boundaries is not an easy one, but it
will be well worth your effort.  Your ability to maintain space in your
life - physically, emotionally, and mentally - will directly contribute to your
developmental success.  Your inability to do so will seriously detract from
the growth you could experience.