Apologies, Forgiveness and Empathy

Copyright (c) 2008 Ainsley Laing

We live in a world where when someone wrongs us, often we are told "I'm sorry" and the reply is usually "never mind", "forget about it" or "it's nothing". This works 99.9% of the time. But what about when someone has hurts us intentionally - obviously premeditated and/or repeated over a long period of time?

When things like this happen, well meaning people tell us that we have to forgive in order to heal. This often leaves the "victim" wondering if there is something wrong with them because they can't "forgive".

Warning, the following is a bit disturbing - but has a happy ending.

John and Jane Anyman live in a neighborhood house with their 2 children Jim and Susie. Their next door neighbors Cathy and Steve Goodneighbor have 2 children, Sarah, Charlie and a playful and friendly puppy named Rufus. John is known in the neighborhood as a very nice guy. The two families get together often.

Rufus has a bad habit of digging under the fence, getting out of the yard and chasing moving vehicles. The Goodneighbor family works very hard to keep Rufus inside.

One day Rufus he gets out and chases John who is riding his bike. John is very annoyed at the dog and tells Jane that "something will have to be done about THAT dog. People shouldn't be allowed to have dogs like that." His tone of voice is very odd and frightens Jane.

Time goes by...Rufus gets out and chases John again. John, who has been carrying a stick, brutally hits the dog over the head. At dinner, he brags to Jane, Jim and Susie how he "took care of the obnoxious dog".

Later, the Goodneighbor children found Rufus beaten and dead. They were traumatized and very sad. Another neighbor had seen John beat Rufus. He told the Goodneighbors. Steve tells John that someone beat Rufus to death and asks him "Did you see anyone hit the dog?"

John has several choices here. He can:

Deny any knowledge.

Blame the Goodneighbors for "making him do it". Say "Sorry, but you should have kept the dog inside - he was a menace to everyone."

Admit and Apologize. Say he was terribly sorry to have acted so cruelly. Say that he didn't mean to cause the Goodneighbors so much pain and grief. Ask if there is anything that he can do to help them feel better (and do it!).

Let's consider the possible outcomes for each of John's choices above...

1. Denial:

The Goodneighbors, John's family and the rest of the neighborhood know that he did it. They are likely to conclude that he is a cruel, abusive person.

2. Blaming the Victims:

The Goodneighbors will probably feel angry at John's statement that they "made him" do it. Again, they are likely to conclude that he is a cruel, abusive person - who feels entitled and justified in his abuse (no remorse).

3. Accepting Full Responsibility:

The Goodneighbors would feel he is remorseful. In time, they may begin to believe John's act was a mistake instead of deliberate malice. If he follows through with restitution, they may be able to re-connect fully.

The Happy Ending: Before Jim, Susie Goodneighbor was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man. She knew from her Abuse Survivor's Group literature that John's cruelty to animals was a big RED Flag of a potentially abusive person. She talked to Jane who confirmed that John sometimes was verbally hostile and when drinking tended to get into fist fights. The two ladies convinced John to seek counselling.

The Anyman's are a happier family now. The neighborhood once again views John as a good guy who made a cruel mistake rather than someone to avoid. AND... John recently bought a puppy for the Goodneighbors AND one for his own children!

Most of us, at one point in our lives, find ourselves struggling to either apologize for a serious wrong or struggling to forgive one. If you find yourself in this position and looking for answers, the following may help:

Forgiveness Is NOT:

Forgetting - if you were wounded enough to require forgiveness, you may always have a memory of it.

Excusing or condoning - the wrong should not be denied, minimized, or justified.

Reconciling - forgiving does not necessarily mean reestablishing the relationship.

Weakness - forgiving does not make you oblivious to cruelty.

A Sincere and Complete Apology IS:

Quick after event - minimize suffering.

Specific - "I am sorry I did X, Y, Z". Empathetic - "I am sorry X,Y,Z hurt/embarrassed/humiliated etc. you".

Regretful (asks for forgiveness) - "I truly regret that I caused you pain/trouble/money, etc. Please forgive me."

Sincere - "How can I make it up to you?" Or "I will change my behavior to avoid this again". Restorative - Follow through with promises made.

This even works for something as simple as being late for a meeting. Instead of saying "sorry", try "I am sorry for being late and wasting your time. Next time I will leave home earlier. May I buy you a coffee to make it up to you?" See how that makes the recipient feel like you care? That you empathize ...

Both forgiveness and sincere apologies require EMPATHY. Empathy is what makes us able to connect... to truly love one another!

Resources:

http://www.perfectapology.com/how-to-say-im-sorry.html

http://www.nicebutnubbly.com/2006/10/how-to-apologize.html

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm