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Women are conditioned to be people pleasers. Women are taught to be “nice” even if that’s means comprising their happiness, and often times that is exactly what happens. We have a tendency to do, and say things just so the other person’s feelings don’t get hurt. How many times have you wanted to say something, but thought, you can’t say that, they might think you’re too harsh, or unpleasant. Times have changed, and now women are accepting their authenticity with grace and happiness. How did they do it? They changed their internal thoughts to reprogram their conditioning. Are you still playing “old tapes” that are in your head?
Take this quiz to find out if your thoughts are sabotaging your happiness.
1. You are at a dinner party, and you accidentally spill red wine on your dress and on the carpet, do you: a. Feel like a fool and hide out in the bathroom. b. Immediately get club soda to soak up the stain. c. Apologize profusely saying you are such a klutz.
2. You just lost a job promotion, do you: a. Feel frustrated! You are never going to get what you want, it seems like the whole world is against you. b. You feel nothing; you never expected to get it in the first place. c. Feel a little disappointed, but know something better will come your way soon.
3. When you buy an expensive item do you: a. Feel awkward and selfish. b. Feel like you deserve it. c. Guilty, because you bought it to fill a void.
4. When someone gives you a gift you hate, do you: a. Take it back, it’s no big deal. b. Keep it, just in case they came over and ask to see it. c. Call up a friend, and complain that you can’t believe they gave you such a horrible gift.
5. When you make a mistake, does the voice inside your head say: a. I could have made a better choice, oh well, I will do better the next time. b. I can’t believe I am so stupid, I am so mad at myself for doing that. c. Again, I keep making the same mistake over and over.
6. When a friend has overstepped your boundaries, do you: a. Get irate and really rip into them demanding that they never do that again. b. Simply call them on it, and explain that is not acceptable to you. c. Say nothing because you really don’t want to start an argument.
7. When someone gives you a compliment, do you: a. Graciously say thank you, and feel good about yourself. b. Awkwardly say thanks, and change the subject. c. Say no, and talk about how that statement isn’t true.
Results: 1. a. Your thoughts are telling you that your sense of self is easily threatened, and you need to start working on your self-esteem. You run away from problems instead of dealing with them. b. You are a great problem solver, and your thoughts will assist you in getting what you want. c. Apologizing is a nice way to say that it was an accident, however profusely apologizing is an indication that you take on more responsible than necessary. Your thoughts are giving you more guilt than needed.
2. a. You must change your thought process now! When your thoughts are negative, and you feel like you don’t have a good support system your thoughts will create that. Keep your thoughts positive! b. Your thoughts are keeping you safe. However staying in a safe mode, and not taking risks will leave you in a rut. Start thinking about a little risk taking. c. Your thoughts are right on target. It’s normal to feel a little disappointed, and it is healthy to get ready for the next opportunity.
3. a. Thoughts that make you feel like you don’t deserve will keep you in a guilty mode. Start changing those thoughts to deserving ones. b. You thoughts are saying that you deserve to have nice things. Appropriately staying in your budget, and rewarding yourself now and again is healthy, and keeps you control. c. There is good news and bad news. The bad news is that having thoughts of guilt, and filling yourself up because you “need” something can be very damaging and destructive. The good news is that you now know this and, you can start to do something about it immediately. Change your thoughts to those that bring you a sense of self-worth, and start to see how you can fulfill your needs in the appropriate manner.
4. a. Doing what you feel, and acting appropriate is healthy and smart. Why make a mountain out of a mole hill? Take care of the issue, and move forward. b. Your thoughts are keeping you in fearful state of mind. What if they should come by and ask to see their gift? The what ifs in life are very limiting. Release fearful thoughts, and do what is best for you. c. Your thoughts are keeping you in a victim position. Complaining and gossiping are sure ways to remain unhappy, and you can be certain you will get more of the same…negativity. Break that cycle now!
5. a. Knowing that you have made a mistake and not “beating” yourself up over it is great! We all make mistakes, and when we learn from them and intend to do better the next time we will actually get wiser and more experienced. Your thoughts are in the right place. b. If you thoughts are punishing you, you will have a hard time learning, and you won’t try something new again for fear of failure. Release those kinds of thoughts and start working on self-confidence. c. Your thoughts are keeping you from learning from past mistakes, and you can be sentenced to a very long time of unhappiness. Observe and learn, it makes life a lot easier.
6. a. You have thoughts of rage and anger. This is not necessarily the best way to handle problems. You need to figure out why you are so angry and resolve those feelings. b. Thoughts that help you problem-solve and communicate in a calm and mature way is the best bet. You can save friendships, and enforce your boundaries that will assure you happiness, and you will gain the respect of others too. c. Your thoughts are keeping you from facing the real issue. You don’t like confrontation, and hope the problem just goes away. Unless you start thinking about problem solving methods, the problem won’t go away, it will only get bigger.
7. a. Accepting a compliment graciously means your thoughts are giving you a balanced sense self-esteem, humility, and ego. Way to go! b. Your thoughts need a little improvement. Your thoughts are saying thank you which means you believe the compliment; however changing the subject is telling you that you are uncomfortable with the attention. c. You are a willing victim. Your thoughts are keeping you in a martyr state of mind. This is not a recipe for happiness. Change that pattern pronto!
Marla Sloane Ph.D. is a successful author and speaker. Her Daily Positive Affirmations subscribers have reached world-wide proportions, and her book, “The Masks We Wear and How to Live Without Them” is at the heart of her teleclasses; Live Your Best Life. Marla has also produced, Trilogy of Meditations, for your Mind, Body, and Spirit, which is distributed nationwide, and in Europe. You can visit her web site at: www.marlasloane.com