Fear of Firsts

Have you ever noticed that there is a surge of energy
anytime you try anything for the first time. Sometimes
it's pure excitement, anticipation of the good feeling you
know you're going to have after you've done it. Sometimes
it's nervousness, usually because you don't know exactly
how you're going to feel once it's done, but the
potential good feeling seems more likely than the potential
bad feeling. And sometimes it's good old-fashioned fear,
anticipation that the outcome of what we want to do will
hurt us in some way, either physically or emotionally.

Excitement and nervousness could be considered beneficial
(or at the least, neutral), in that they don't stop us
from doing what we want to do. Fear, on the other hand, can
be positive or negative. It's positive when it stops us
from doing something stupid that could potentially harm us.
[I should point out that habitual risk-takers might
approach those same events with excitement. This is probably
a better way to approach life, as long as common sense is
involved!]

'Negative' fear, however, usually just stops us from doing
what we want to do, what makes sense for us to do, what
takes us closer to our goals. In this case, we're usually
afraid of not getting what we want and/or of looking
silly/stupid/inadequate while we're doing it. The longer
we give in to this fear, the stronger it becomes, the harder
it is to do the new thing, and the further away from our
goals we get.

The only thing gained by allowing the fear to stop us is to
GUARANTEE that we won't get what we want! This is probably
pretty obvious to you, but I needed it pointed out to me,
so maybe it helps to state it here!

When the fear is really strong, we sometimes look for deep,
unconscious motivation for the fear. This trap is
particularly deadly because we all have experienced times
when our fear WAS rooted deep in our subconscious from
events early in our lives. Very often, that type of fear
does need some awareness or healing before you can move
past it. The trap is that every time you feel a fear that
you can't put aside easily, you decide it's deep and you
need to do some specific work around the fear. This shifts
our focus from the action we want to take to the fear
itself. We start thinking about the fear, what's causing
it, and how we can get over it. The bottom line is that we
end up by giving ourselves permission NOT TO ACT!

If it's truly not the right time for something to happen
then, in my experience, it usually doesn't. But we
shouldn't under-estimate the power of not wanting to look
silly or inadequate, and the fear that might happen often
makes us delay taking action long past the right time. How
often have you finally done something you'd been putting
off and then asked yourself, 'Why in the world did I wait
so long to do this?' If you can think of a lot of
examples, then you've got a classic case of 'Fear of
Firsts'!

Gaining awareness that your fear is related to the
unfamiliarity of the situation may go a long way in
allowing you to face it squarely and do the thing you're
putting off. Here are some additional suggestions to help
move you through the fear:

TAKE A DEEP BREATH

Breathe slowly and become aware of your breathing. As you
focus on your breathing, you will notice that you
automatically begin breathing slower and more deeply. This
allows you to get to that 'centered' space, the space
where you can view the situation objectively, where you know
what you are capable of, and where you can again see the
potential in what you want to do. Focusing on your breathing
very often brings you from fear to nervousness to excitement
about the event in a matter of moments.

FOCUS ON THE OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED

If others are involved, shift the focus from you to them. We
sometimes worry so much about what the other person is
thinking about us that we miss the opportunity to identify
what they need and to help them achieve it. A dear friend
shared a story of her early days in real estate and how her
fear of what the clients were thinking jeopardized her
ability to sell. It wasn't until she started focusing on
the clients, and how she could help them through this
stressful time (and anyone who's ever searched for a new
home knows how stressful it can be!) that she was able to
turn the business around and enjoy success. Tuning in to the
other people puts a whole new slant on things, allowing our
fears to recede long enough for us to figure out that
there's nothing to be scared of!

BLOW UP YOUR FEAR

This is an effective exercise that you can do in just a few
short minutes.

Close your eyes and take a few slow breaths. Visualize
yourself in your mind's eye in a calm, peaceful place.
Allow yourself to think of the situation you're avoiding
until you can firmly feel the fear around it. 'See'
yourself identifying the place inside you where the fear is
(usually the stomach) and put both hands in and pull it
out. Hold the fear in your hands and look at it for a
moment. Then notice that there is a brown cardboard box,
just large enough to hold the fear, on the ground in front
of you. Place the fear in the box and close it. Keep your
eyes on the box and see it get larger. As you stand and
watch the box (breathing slowly all the time), see it grow
and grow. See it become as large as you, as large as the
room, as large as the house, as large as the town, as large
as the country, as large as the world --- until it grows so
large it just explodes like a balloon. Once it's gone,
take a moment to notice how you feel without the fear. Take
a few more deep breaths and open your eyes. [If the fear
has really taken hold, you may need to do this a few times.
But each time you do it, you'll notice that the box
explodes at a smaller and smaller size.]