One of the world’s best known consulting firms, McKinsey and Company, wanted to find out what qualities make women successful leaders. They interviewed dozens of successful women from around the world and published their findings in a study called “Centered Leadership – How Talented Women Thrive.”
They found that female leaders thrive when they possess the power of “positive framing.” In other words,
successful women had “a more constructive way to view their world.” What McKinsey and Company had identified in these women was resilience. They had the drive to move ahead, even when bad things happened.
This made sense to me. I see it all the time in my mentorship relationships.
When women are passed over or make strategic errors, they dwell on it. ‘Why didn’t I get that job? I never should have done that.’ and on and on. Many women just can’t seem to do what a man would do and say to themselves - ‘fuggetaboutit!’
Another study even went so far as to suggest this kind of ‘self-second-guessing’ is the reason women are twice as likely to get depressed as men.
Negative thoughts, says the McKinsey study, should be replaced with positive thoughts. Accept that something bad has happened and then counter that with action. Move on sister - and try it again.
Easier said than done – right?
Tips for ‘Dwellers’
I recently learned two powerful ways to deal with the kind of negative thoughts that threaten to hold you back. If you’re a ‘dweller’ –you need to learn to detach yourself from your thoughts. Only then can you put the “nasties” behind you and live free to fight another day.
Investigate Your Thoughts
The first method I learned from Byron Katie at one of her seminars called “The Work” in Germany. “Don’t try to change your mind,” says Katie. “Instead develop awareness.”
To do this, you investigate all the thoughts that cause you stress by asking four questions:
1) Is it true? ™
2) Is it absolutely true? ™
3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? ™
4) Who would you be without the thought? ™
Next, turn your statement around to give yourself an opportunity to experience the opposite of what you believe to be true.
For example – the original stressful thought might be “My boss is unfair.” The turnaround thought is “My boss is fair.”
To truly experience the benefits of turnaround thinking, find three examples in your life where the turnaround is true. It’s amazing how often the turnaround ends up being truer that the original thought that brought you so much stress and how the alternatives can set you free.
This Time It’s Okay to be a Basket Case
The second method comes from a breathing class I took called the “Art of Living.”
Fear of the future or regrets about the past can hold us hostage. To settle those thoughts down and allow us to live peacefully in the present, imagine you are surrounded by three baskets.
To your right is a red basket, to your left is a blue basket and behind you is a yellow basket.
The red basket is for thoughts of the future, the blue basket for thoughts of the past and the yellow basket for confusing thoughts. As thoughts come in, sort them, just the way you do laundry. We can't stop the thoughts from flooding into our minds, but we can put them in the proper basket when they arrive, which is very freeing. You literally sort things out.
You Will be Tested
Stuff happens. Inevitably some things go wrong along the road to success.
That’s why building "Self-Reliance" is the fifth of my Six Stilletto Steps.
Having the right tools is the key to overcoming events that threaten to throw us off course. It’s not WHAT happened – it’s what we THINK about what happened. Ditch the negative thoughts, frame your thoughts in a positive way, and you’ll discover you have the power to preserve and bounce back better and stronger than ever.
