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To Find Yourself

  A couple is breaking up because one of them claims that he needs to “find” himself. My first reaction was that the person saying this is has come up with a convenient excuse to let go a...


A couple is breaking up because one of them claims that he needs to “find” himself. My first reaction was that the person saying this is has come up with a convenient excuse to let go and to be free to love someone else without placing the blame on the partner he is leaving behind. It is entirely possible that by saying this, he is attempting to reduce the pain that will be inflicted in order to lessen his remorse.  

If this is the case, then the person is not being sincere and that this is a blatant lie. It is a form of subtle manipulation designed to protect his ego and reduce his guilt while at the same time freeing himself from a current relationship.  This is all the more reason that they should break up. No one wants to be with a manipulator.

It’s just like a person saying, “The problem is not with you, it’s with me.” And when the break up is finally over with, the individual is found to be in another relationship shortly thereafter. Giving up on a relationship is easy, especially when a replacement for a present partner has already been found. It then becomes a matter of timing and the right approach to the actual break up itself.

It is a given that there are countless reasons why breakups occur. And there is no rule that says you have to stay in a particular relationship, unless you are married. And even marriage is not a guarantee.

What can we learn from instances that people claim they need to “find” themselves before abandoning their partner? First thing we can realize is that there are people who are immature when it comes to romantic commitment. Does the individual know what he wants when he falls in love? Is it a serious and lasting relationship or just a momentary source of security and passionate joy? Secondly, because the romance will have its ups and downs, emotional strength is also necessary before entering a relationship. Third, an individual must also be able to weigh the investment he has made into the relationship that he is in and whether or not he wishes to throw it all away that easily.

There are people who actually do need to “find” themselves. Perhaps they do not really know what they want or need in the current relationship that they are in. Or the relationship has changed them so much that they can no longer see who they are. Again, I can only point to the individual’s fault for entering into a relationship prematurely because his own identity has not been fully formed.

To have actually “found” yourself is being in a state that you are comfortable with who you are, having accepted your strengths as well as your flaws and still believing in your ability to become a better person. And once you have reached this pointFeature Articles, then perhaps you are now ready to “find” the person with whom you can share yourself completely without fear of losing yourself.



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Frederick Edward Fabella, Ph D is a research director, a dean and a graduate school professor in the Philippines. He is the author of War of Ascension fantasy novel trilogy available on Follow him on Twitter @ErickFabella

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