There’s a piece circulating the Internet now called “When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking.” It’s attributed to “a former child,” so I don’t know whom to credit. It begins with, “When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.” It’s about the things we inadvertently ‘teach’ our kids.
Its many examples show we teach not what we know, but who we are, which is as true in the workplace as it is in the home, regardless of the age of participants. It pertains to emotional intelligence, which I coach, which includes the competency of Intentionality – doing what you intend to do.
EQ means understanding emotions (yours and others’), being able to manage and express them appropriately, and understanding the effect you have on others. Like learning about pride in work in the example above, we can’t learn EQ just by reading about it. We can’t ‘get it’ by listening to someone else talk about it. We need to see it in action. We also need to put something out there and observe the results. To learn, we need to have pointed out to us what is going on, during and after the fact, because the emotional component can fog our thinking.
You are being watched, yes, and you are also being misinterpreted.
INTERPRETING NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR
Whatever we are trying to teach our children, or those around us, it isn’t stretching a point to say that a child could misinterpret the hanging of a painting on the refrigerator. You never know how a child is going to put things together, just as you never know how another adult will. One little fellow in my household was incensed that I had hung his painting on the refrigerator, not proud. In the ensuing discussion, it turned out he thought if I’d really liked it, I would’ve framed it and hung it on the wall. “That’s for babies,” he said, pointing at the refrigerator.
I watched a scene the other day in the workplace, where a boss had foisted a stiff deadline on her assistant. The assistant looked intense as she started the job, then had to move to another desk when the computer locked up.
The boss started massaging her shoulders, saying, “I hate to stress you this way.”
The assistant had sensitive neck muscles, so the massage caused pain instead of relief. It was also distracting. Also, because of the statement, she had to worry about her boss’ feelings as well as her own plus do the job.
The assistant turned, drew a deep breath and said, with a big smile on her face, “I appreciate the massage, but it hurts and it’s distracting. I’m trying to concentrate. I’m not angry at being asked to do this, and not angry at you. What I am is frustrated because ..” and she listed the chronic computer inadequacies. “What would help,” she said, “is if you would …” and gave her boss something concrete to do that would forward the task.
Later, when the job was finished, they took up the conversation again. “I like to shine,” the assistant said, “and I can’t when I don’t have the proper equipment.”
The boss made a note to address that problem.
PROCESSING EMOTIONALLY-LADEN EVENTS
The same scenario is played out daily in every office. There’s no way two people won’t be affected by the feelings of the other; and, counter-intuitively, if one is trying to hide feelings, the effect is even greater. The less they’re expressed, the more they’ll be open to misinterpretation.
We can’t know what’s going on with someone else unless we ask. In today’s multicultural offices, it’s particularly dangerous to assume the meaning of an action, gesture or expression. Did you know that in the Middle East, one of the most insulting things you can do is show another person the sole of your shoe? Tell that to the lawyer whose office I entered the other day, who routinely talks on the phone with his feet on the desk, soles pointing toward the incoming visitor!
Only a discussion about what’s going on can get us inside one another’s mind and heart. In the heat of the moment, such a discussion may have to be postponed, but for good relationships and learning, it does need to take place. The feelings need to be addressed, and the often-misinterpreted nonverbal displays untangled.
INTENTIONALITY
If you want to model good deeds for your child, and make a cake to bring to an ailing neighbor, be sure you address all parts of the action, e.g., make sure you’re teaching what you mean to be teaching. This is Intentionality, an EQ competency. If you perform the act begrudgingly, as some sort of onerous “duty,” throwing the ingredients together and complaining the whole time about how overworked you are, you will have defeated your deeper purpose. Unless you mean to teach that life is about detrimental self-sacrifice and suffering.
If on the other hand, you happily make the cake and dance out the door to deliver it, your child may miss the point that sometimes helping others may require some inconvenience on one’s own part.
Many things we do contain ambiguity, the hardest thing for kids to figure out. ‘Does Mom like what she’s doing, or doesn’t she?’ Emotions are complex and so are our motives. We need instruction in their management. I recall telling my niece, “No I don’t like to clean toilets. However, I like the feeling I get when the house is clean.”
OUTCOMES
In the workplace, if you cheerfully take on extra assignments, you put yourself at-risk for being taken advantage of. If you’re putting forth extra effort, you don’t need to wear a hair-shirt about it, but if you don’t point out what you’re doing, it can and will be used against you. Typical boss mentality dictates “Sheila never complains, so she’s OK. Fred complains all the time. Therefore I’ll give Fred a raise.”
EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION
One of the EQ competencies is emotional expression. However, EQ isn’t only about emotions, it’s about the interface between thinking and feeling. We always need to explain ourselves to others, our “self” including both actions and feelings. Therefore we use our intellect to explain our emotions. Good relationships require letting others know how you’re feeling right away, alerting them immediately if they’re off-course. It requires explaining “that look on your face.”
Martha was having trouble at work. She was told in her performance review that no one liked to work with her. In coaching, she discovered that when she was focused, she had a look on her face that was misinterpreted as anger. When she became aware of the effect she was having on others, she learned to modify her nonverbal behavior, i.e., to stop and smile when concentrating, and explain, so others would not be off-put.
OTHERS ARE WATCHING … AND MISINTERPRETING
Whatever you’re doing, know the effect you’re having on others. Check it out!
The above-mentioned piece ends with “How will you touch the life of someone today?” The adult task is to care, know, and check it out. Be sure you’re touching the lives of others today the way you mean to. It’s the emotionally intelligent way.
