Zone in to Sexy

You might not discuss it with your friends down at the pub, but who hasn’t been in bed with their man – and just not been in the mood for sex? You know what it’s like. Your body’s showing all the classic signs of arousal (erect nipples, moist knickers…), but your head? It just isn’t in the zone.

Recent research shows that it’s possible for women to think they’re not in the mood for sex when their body actually knows they are. So, when that happens, which do you obey – your body or your mind?

While the bulge in a man’s trousers unmistakeably tells him – and everyone else – he’s turned on, women’s physical signs are subtler. Perhaps this is why they’re easier to overlook. When your body is ready for sex, your vagina secretes lubrication. But this isn’t a foolproof sign because the amount you produce also depends on other factors, like where you are in your menstrual cycle (generally, you’re less wet post –ovulation) or if you’re on the Pill. But if you also have erect nipples, increased heartbeat and breathing rates, swollen labia, hot vagina, or a hard sensitive clitoris, you’re definitely hot to trot.

So if your body is ready, why isn’t your head? Evolution should take some of the blame. It seems nature didn’t require our minds to be present during sex because we were designed to be thinking, literally, ‘outside the box’. As nest-defenders, we needed to monitor sounds to make sure nothing was sneaking up to steal our offspring. And in order to persuade men to hang around and help raise our children, women were predisposed to value communication, closeness and commitment. We still do.

While there are certain times we’re happy to rut away – perhaps during the times in our menstrual cycle when we’re programmed to procreate – we generally need to feel close to our partners to experience sexual desire.

My Chemical Romance

If your mind is overruling your body in the bedroom, it might be a sign that those values of communication, closeness and commitment are missing in your relationship. When a relationship isn’t working, it’s often said that men pull away and women shut down – and one way of doing that is to avoid sex. If you feel powerless and unheard by your man, withholding sex might be the only way you exert any control. As a short-term solution this might work, but as it also denies you sexual pleasure and the opportunity to air your grievances, it’s not advisable.

If sex becomes boring you’ll stop wanting it, even if your body still craves it. At the start of a relationship, it’s easy. Your mind receives help with a torrential release of brain chemicals and hormones, including phenylethylamine, a natural form amphetamine that causes a surge in sexual desire. The newness of the situation also keeps you fully tuned in to what’s happening in the here and now. But once the novelty and hormones wear off, you may be left with a wondering mind.

For some of us, though, our mind is never truly engaged with what our body wants. A lot of women worry about how their boobs look, will he notice the cellulite on their thighs, and the last thing on their minds is an orgasm. It’s impossible to concentrate on what feels good when you’re focusing on negative thoughts.

There may be other understandable reasons why we can’t allow ourselves to surrender to The Moment. Bad experiences might still haunt us, meaning we don’t trust ourselves, or our new partners, sufficiently to relax and enjoy sex. If your first sexual encounter were fraught with embarrassment or worry about getting pregnant or STI, sex could have been associated with worry; no matter how turned on your body is, your mind has been trained to fear the consequences.

You may have been brought up to feel shame around sex, so while your body is telling you it feels nice, your mind is telling you it shouldn’t. We need to build a bridge between our bodies and our minds in order to experience the pleasure we all deserve.