How To Hack Into Someone's Mind Using Rapport
Rapport is the fundamental part of communication for persuasion. Whether your selling cars in New York, teaching in London, Tutoring Sydney, counselling in Aukland or lecturing in Blacktown. Rapport should be the very first thing you aim to establish before going any further.
Why is it that so many people continue smoking cigarettes despite knowing that it causes cancer? Because knowing something different does not automatically translate into doing something different.
Why am I Talking About Change?
A common misconception is that education is just about transferring knowledge. This is fine for students who are already keenly motivated to learn, but what about those who are struggling with motivation, and lacking the confidence to push themselves to reach their best? The heaviest weight around your learners ankles is the wrong mindset. Take these weights off, and their learning will becomes a lot more autonomous. In fact, being able to motivate someone by changing their mindset is not only the most powerful skill of any educator, but the most rewarding part of the job. For this reason, as a teacher, tutor, coach or mentor; above all else, you are an agent of change.
As will be discussed in the next section about motivation, you will often find that a young student's mindset can be powerfully influenced by their parent's mindset. This means that to change the mindset of the child, you often have to influence the parents as well.
Changing Someone's Mind
To change someone's mindset you need to change their mind about a belief they already hold. When trying to change someone's beliefs about something, you are likely to be met with resistance. If you do it wrong, it may even make the person want to hold onto that belief tighter than ever.
Have you ever experienced someone arguing furiously with someone else about why they were right and the other was wrong? This intense fury is actually driven by the unconscious mind, trying to hold onto the belief that has been challenged. In essence, when we argue against someone else with such emotion, chances are the reason we're trying to convince them of our belief is because we're actually trying to convince ourselves.
The irony is that the most likely beliefs that need changing are those that are self-destructive. They may include the belief that you are not good enough, that you 'can't do it' or that it's too difficult.. I say strange, because you'd think that the person holding them would realise that they are self destructive, and actually want to change them right? Why then would trying to change self-destructive beliefs be met with resistance?
Why Hold Onto Self-Destructive Beliefs?
Imagine that whilst falling, you reached out and grabbed hold of a bar. Someone informs you about a more solid bar, only to get hold of the other bar you'd need to let go of the bar your holding now. It's dark, and you can't see the supposedly better bar. If the person is wrong, you'll fall. So instinctively, you stay put. Now the person tries to force you to let go of that bar. Chances are that you're instinctive defence response would be to fight them off.
There are various reasons why people hold onto a self-destructive belief. It may simply be an excuse so that they can avoid responsibility or facing something else which is more difficult to overcome. Quite often the belief simply provides the person with a sense of certainty.
Have you ever heard of people with missing relatives who say they'd rather 'have closure' and know that their loved ones are dead than to not know at all? As silly as it sounds, we'd often prefer the certainty of a bad outcome than to have uncertainty.
Fear Of Failure
One of the most common self-destructive beliefs that inhibits motivation is "I'm going to fail." Even though holding this belief makes the person more likely to fail, at least when they do they will create an outcome they already believed was going to happen, thus saving the pain of disappointment. Such beliefs are usually stored in the unconscious mind. Consciously, the belief may be as simple as "I'm no good at this", "I hate doing this" or if is has been buried deeply, it could even manifest as "this isn't really important anyhow". The latter belief is formed because it is easier than something you are not good at is not important than to believe that you are no good at something that is important.
Either way, these self-destructive beliefs are held onto to protect the believer from the pain of disappointment, gives them an excuse not to try too hard or having to feel inadequate. They essentially, a self defence mechanism of the mind, which has determined that the pain caused by these beliefs is less than the potential pain that may come about by not holding them.
Inception: Changing An Unconscious Belief
In many occasions, the belief is unconscious and the person does not even realise that it is a belief. The belief is basically stored deeply in the unconscious mind, locked up in the minds safe where it can be guarded by what's known as the 'critical mind'. If the person feels as if you are trying to manipulate them or becomes aware that you're trying to break into their safe, the armoured guards will toss you out.
Because the belief was not formed though rational logic, don't expect rational logic to change it. Not without rapport. "Look, I understand that deep down this dislike is really stemming from your fear of being humiliated by failure, but if you just....." I cut the sentence of there because anything you say past this point doesn't matter anyway. The guards have already been alerted, the entire area has gone into lock down and you're thrown out onto the street.The only way to get into that safe to change what's in it is to have the right security pass.
That security pass is rapport.
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