Top Ten Ways To NOT Save Your Marriage!

Mar 5
09:17

2009

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.

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In the midst of a marriage crisis, it is not the time to make a mistake in trying to save your marriage. Learn from an expert what mistakes to avoid!

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Here it is!  My Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!  These
are the mistakes I see day-in and day-out.  Avoid these
mistakes if you want to save your marriage.  Commit these
mistakes at your own risk!

10)  Do nothing!  Don't worry,Top Ten Ways To NOT Save Your Marriage! Articles the crisis (problem, situation,
incident, threat, etc.) will pass!

Ah, the old "bury your head in the sand approach!"  The reality
is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass.  Let's be
honest:  over time, this strategy builds up more and more
resentment, then finally, everything falls apart.  You can act
surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside,
that you ignored things way too long.

It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis.  Rarely is there one
"precipitating event" that suddenly ends the marriage.  Instead,
it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems
ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the
"house of cards" falls.

So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!

9)  Refuse to get any outside help.  Who needs it?  You can do
this yourself!

When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to
"figure it out!"  One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein,
"the same level of thinking that created the problem will not
solve the problem."  In other words, when we only use the
thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a
way out of the problem.

We all get stuck in our thought patterns.  Once we establish
them, we don't change much.  Think about it:  don't all of your
spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern.  Doesn't
your daily routine pretty much go the same?  We like
"sameness," and change is a bit of a threat.  Even the painful
sameness is better than the unknown -- at least that's what we
tend to believe.

Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help
and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.

8)  Grab some "free advice!"  Hey, free is good, right?

Almost always, free advice is worth about that -- nothing! 
When you are injured, do you seek out some "free advice" on
that injury?  Or when you need some legal advice, do you just
get some "free advice?" 

So why, when your most important relationship is on the line,
would you just try to use some free advice?  Look, we live in a
"transaction society."  We make trades and transactions to get
what we don't have.  And knowledge is no different.  People
who give away advice are rarely giving away anything
worthwhile. 

The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you
REALLY treasure your relationship?  If I told you how to save
$20,000 instantly, would you pay for it?  Well, that is the
minimal cash value of your failed marriage.  In other words, a
divorce in the U.S. averages $20K.  Save your marriage, save
$20K.

And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? 
What is the worth of that?  Really, what price would you put on
that?  I ask because I know of plenty of people who think
nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3
packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the
weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. 
Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage,
want to find some free advice.

It is always about value, and the value you place on your
marriage.  Free advice?  Probably more costly than you can ever
realize in the long run.

7)  Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. 
Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!

We authors don't like to admit this, but statistics show that
upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never
read.  Imagine that!  The answer may be right there!  You took
the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked
nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were
desperate.

Then, onto the bedstand it goes, underneath the magazines,
the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.

The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck
at the bottom of a stack, never to be read.  Sound familiar?  If
so, time to dust off the information and give it a read!  At least
give it a chance.  You've already invested your money in it.  Why
not give it a test drive?

6)  Read the information, but then don't do anything!  It won't
work in your situation, anyway!

OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . .  but
then you took no action!  Maybe the information seemed
impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead
wrong!  Now you do need to use your better judgement, but
perhaps it is worth a try! 

What you've been doing has clearly not gotten the results you
wanted.  So, perhaps it is time to try something new. 
Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural.  But it is
really like anything new:  repetition builds skill.  What seems
awkward begins to feel more natural.  Suddenly, what seemed
impossible seems elementary. 

Again, remember Einstein's quote.  Doing what you've done
hasn't gotten you what you want.  What's the risk of trying
something different?

5)  Get bad information from unqualified sources.  Hey, any
information is better than no information. . . right?

As you have already discovered, there are lots of "experts"
willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. 
Be sure your "expert" is really just that.  At a minimum, make
sure they actually have some training, not just their own
experience!  They don't have to have a Ph.D., but if they can't
tell you about their training, other than "been there, done
that," move on!

Experts are experts because they have worked in the field,
received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. 
The others are experts in marketing.  Be sure and distinguish
between the two.

Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also
the "doctors?"  They weren't trained, caused lots of damage,
but that was the only choice.  Well, we don't live in the "wild
West" anymore, and there are plenty of real experts.  Get their
advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped
"experts."

4)  Do everything at once!  Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better.
. . right?

Wrong!  Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too
long, until one day someone wakes up and says "enough." 
Then the other person jumps into high gear!  They try to make
"date nights," meaningful conversations, do the housework, get
another job. . .  just about anything to make it work!

Instead, pick a couple of things.  Be consistent with them, and
try a slow approach.  Building from zero takes some time.  But if
you try the "everything at once" approach, you will scare your
spouse away.

3)  Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions.  Surely your
spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!

This is a very common situation.  You see, we all are master
"scriptwriters," often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our
minds!  We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic,
emotions, begging and pleading.  Problem is, they are working
off a different script.

If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling,
their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power.  It is no
different in verbal tug-of-war.  The harder I try to convince
someone of something counter to what they have said, the
reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the
belief.

So the arguing, "reasoning," begging and pleading have the
opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the
relationship. 

2)  Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really
about their "issue."  Then they will see how unhealthy they are!

Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire:  when your
spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a)
their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about
their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read
about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

You may be dead-on!  Problem is, you are not going to be seen
as an objective provider of a diagnosis.  Instead, you will only
be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is
feeling.  Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside
expert or by one's self.

1)  Try to prove how much you need them!  Surely, just seeing
they are needed will get them to stay!

Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to
leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire.  People
want to be wanted, but not desperately needed!  And in the
midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel
manipulated.

I've seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much
they need the other person.  I have seen people refuse to pay
bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc.,
etc.  And in every case, the person who wants out says "see?" 
It's hard to argue with that.  Being needy is never attractive,
and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than
to not be needed.


Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while
trying to save it.  I could go on for many more.  I think I have
seen every mistake possible. 

My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think
through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try
to save your marriage.  There is little more noble or heroic in
today's society than trying to hold a relationship together.  I
just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful
ways.

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