The Secret of Happiness: Satisfying These 4 Needs
If we are not happy, we cannot think of making others happy. A win-win situation is when we are happy and others are happy. This article explains 4 needs that form the basis of our happiness.
The purpose of life is happiness.
If we are not happy, we cannot think of making others happy. A win-win situation is when we are happy and others are happy. If we are unhappy while making other happy, it is a lose-win situation. Being unhappy and making others unhappy is totally a lose-lose scenario.
Happiness is a result of satisfying our needs.
We begin our quest for happiness by satisfying self-centric needs. We focus on our personal needs – food, clothing, shelter, security. These needs do not need interaction with other human beings.
The next level of self-centric needs requires interacting with a select group of people. These are the need for love, affection and membership of a group. The need to belong to a group also helps satisfy security needs. When these needs are satisfied, we feel happy.
All the above are self-oriented, and we keep moving from one to the other, since these keep changing.
This is also a win-lose relationship, as our need fulfilment MAY be contingent on others’ unhappiness.
We realise that to satisfy some needs, we also have to give something in return.The relationship moves from ‘taking’ to ‘give-and-take’, and a negotiation happens whether both parties in a relationship are giving equally. This is a matter of perception, and if one party feels he is not getting enough, then there are issues. We are buying the satisfaction of our needs by giving something of worth to the other person. This may seem like a barter, as there is no common currency and the valuation of the relationship is subjective.
By the way, ‘relationships’ do not just mean emotional couples, but include other one-to-one (boss – subordinate) and one-to-many relationships (member’s relationship with the group). If the relationship is based on symbiotic needs, then the perception of what one gets from this relationship determines the quality of the relationship.
This agreement is still selfish, and such a relationship and resulting happiness is short-lived, if one person feels he is being short-changed or his needs will be better satisfied elsewhere. We start looking for happiness with another person, another boss, another job and another group.
The need of one person in the relationship can become so selfish, that he/she holds on to the relationship with both hands, suffocating the relationship and the other person. This creates unhappiness and results in alienation. Again, this can happen in couples, in jobs and in families. There is no free will and can become exploitative, if one person depends on the other.
If I loved a bird, my first instinct is to keep it in a cage. I am happy, the bird may not be. We may rationalise this situation by saying that the bird’s needs for food and shelter are being satisfied. We assume that these are the only needs.
If I release the bird, two things can happen.
Either way, the bird is happy.
To really give someone happiness and therefore achieve true happiness, we need to free the bird.
Fear of Exploitation
While discussing this philosophy with friends, one friend said,
“I am sure even Mother Teresa would have felt bad when she would have seen someone buying liquor with the money given to him for food!!”
Yes, it is true that we feel disappointed when people exploit us. I have a few thoughts on that.
I know that is is difficult in this materialistic world to be truly altruistic, and we will succumb to selfish and symbiotic need fulfilment. I just wish that we do this knowingly, with the understanding that this happiness is short-lived.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Prof. Chandra Kant, is an alumnus of IIM Calcutta and currently, a senior professor at Indus Business Academy, a leading MBA college in India. He teaches, change management, business leadership and Self Management.