Words That Hurt, Words That Heal

I  just finished reading, Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, by Joseph Telushkin.

I began reading the book after my mother passed away because I realized that on her side of the family a lot of division has occurred because of hurtful words and words left unsaid. And, for years, I felt unwanted and unloved by her side of the family...as though I didn't fit in and wasn't truly a part of the family...and now that she's gone, I feel like the connection I had to her side of the family is gone, as well.

While I realize the only person I can change is me…the way I think about others, the way I react to their words or lack of words, and how I choose my words when I speak to them…I am hoping that as I begin to process things differently, my actions and words will also change our relationships—for the better.

There’s a lot of good advice given in Words That Hurt, Words That Heal. And the advice is always preluded or followed by stories that really bring his point home.

Mr. Teluskin believes that we were conditioned as children, to speak a certain way to and about others, but if that conditioning is negatively done, it can cause a lot of hardships in relationships. But don’t fret, it can be unlearned.

The first thing he suggests is that we monitor our self-talk, without trying to be a better person, and really take a hard look at what we do or don’t say to others.

He says to note every time we:

• Say something negative about a person that is not in our presence.
• Grossly exaggerate the wrong(s) done to us by another person.
• Criticize others with harsh and offensive words.
• Argue using the words, “you always” or “you never.”
• Belittle or humiliate someone else.

He says the above is not ethical speaking. That ethical speech is “speaking fairly of others, honestly about ourselves, and carefully to everyone.”

He says the best way to speak words that heal are to:

• Avoid defamatory or negative talk about others.
• Avoid listening to hearsay and rumors.
• Avoid talking about other people; even kind talk can sometimes be twisted and turn into negative talk.
• Avoid telling negative truths. In other words avoid sharing information that will raise your status in the eyes of the person you are speaking with by lowering the status of the person you are speaking of.
• Apologize. Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry for the cruel words you’ve said in the past.
• Be real. Don’t say kind words and act like a friend in the presence of others and then talk harshly and cruel about them in their absence.
• Cool down. While you may want to hash out your feelings right away, it’s best to confront the person who hurt you after you’ve had time to process your anger, calm down, and see the situation in a new light. Otherwise, you may say things you’ll later regret and never be able to take back.
• Find a trusted confidante. When you cannot let an issue go, and speaking to the person who has offended you doesn’t work, turning to a confidante is okay. A confidante can be your spouse or a close friend who won’t go around telling others what you’ve said in confidence. He or she understands that you are simply venting and asking for outside help to deal with your feelings and possibly find a solution to the problem.
• Avoid nursing injuries in silence. When we keep silent, we tend to take out our hurts on unsuspecting and innocent people.
• Stop comparing. Comparisons hurt. They imply a preference for another person which in turn causes others to compete and in the end, causes division by pulling people apart, not bringing them closer together.

He says, "Because we want others to share in our anger, we often fail to describe very precisely the offense committed against us. We exaggerate. Our exaggerations, of which we ourselves might NOT be fully aware, are aimed at provoking others to validate and share our rage"...and hurt.

He goes on to say "quarrels rip families apart and destroy relationships when arguments are taken out of context, and old hurts are brought back into the arguments."

And he provides us with a Fight Fair formula that basically looks like this:

1. Confront the person who hurt you after you've had time to process your anger, calm down, and see the situation in a new light.
2. And when you do confront the person:
1. State your case
2. Express your opinion on the situation
3. Explain your position
4. Make your feelings clear
5. Don't dredge up past information
6. Listen to the other side
7. Don’t get defensive
8. Don’t use damaging personal information to win your case

In the end, he says, “What others need from us, on an ongoing basis, is to know that they are loved and cared for, that their good deeds inspire gratitude, and that others love them.”

He gives many good examples to help us understand what hurtful words do to children and how children grow up feeling a certain way because of them. In fact, the words used to speak to a child, or around a child, can often impact the types of relationships he or she has throughout his or her life.

If words have caused emotional damage in your life, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Words That Hurt, Words That Heal today.