To begin with, actually doing this can be a daunting task if you try to predetermine every item. In fact, many who have tried later find that after making an attempt to do this, they determined it could never be done in reality. Also, often the most insignificant items can cause disputes, not larger or more valuable items. The following story may best illustrate this point. (This is a true story but names have been changed.):
Let’s say Mrs. Thomas has four daughters: Sally, Jane, Beth and Ann. Twenty years after the girls have all left home and married, Mama decides to take care of estate matters and begins to designate certain items to go to her individual daughters, with the well-meaning purpose of preventing arguments among them later. She designates an antique bed in the guest room for Sally and a special dresser of equal value for Jane (and so forth).
After Mrs. Thomas has passed away, the girls come together to settle the estate and divide up the furniture and household goods, etc. At some point in the process, Jane discovers that her mother has given “her” bed to Sally. Jane loved that bed and it was in her room all through the years when she was growing up. She is sure this must be a mistake. Sally is delighted because she loves the bed too and thinks it will be perfect for her daughter’s room. Since Sally’s daughter is the only “granddaughter”, she is certain that is why Mama gave it to her . . .
Well, you know the rest of the story. It happens over and over, innocently, but feelings get hurt and resentments last a long time – often forever.
The problem was that Mama didn’t really remember that the bed had been in Jane’s room in earlier years. The girls had been away from home for more than twenty years, and she had turned that room into the guest room. She had come to think of that bed as just “the bed in the guest room.” In this manner, Mama may actually have caused conflict instead of prevented it.
Here is a plan that might be helpful if you are approaching a move or planning to “downsize”. Consider having all of your children come for a meal together without spouses and children. (NOTE: Most attorneys agree that 75% of the problems that arise during estate settlements are brought on by spouses and children of the heirs, not the immediate heirs themselves). During the meal, discuss the pending move and then announce that you wish to let some things go rather than move them all to the new but smaller dwelling. Ahead of time, mark the pieces that you are making available with a sticker. Then after the meal, have your children go through the house and put their initial on the sticker if they are interested in having an item. If more than one initial it, decide on a method for determining who gets it, (roll the dice, draw a card, flip a coin, etc.).
Since many go through this process of “downsizing” or moving to a new area later in life, this might be a good way to deal with the initial phase of this division process. Also, while going through it, parents could see trouble spots among their children (heirs) that might be dealt with in order to help avoid problems later.
What is an Estate Plan?
There are many misunderstandings about Estate Plans and who should have them. Many people think that an estate means a large tract of land and great wealth and extensive personal property that is very valuable, such as vintage antiques and collectibles. Although this can be true, ‘estate’ does not mean the same to everyone. In a recent version of Webster’s Dictionary, there are three definitions for the word estate:
What Did James Brown and Anna Nicole Smith Have in Common?
Perhaps if both of them had followed the advice recommended in the following article, their estates could have been settled more quickly and easily. Obviously, they did NOT "Get their houses in order" soon enough. Don't cause your loved ones the agony of going through unnecessary struggles and heartbreak when faced with settling your own estate. All of us - and our children - must face this inevitable time of life some day.
In Estate Planning – An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure
Shakespeare’s words speak a profound truth when it comes to Estate Planning and ultimately, Estate Settlements. Accordingly, preventing problems (‘an ounce of prevention’) is worth much more than trying to solve them (‘is worth a pound of cure’). When I tell people the name of my book, THE SETTLEMENT GAME: How to Settle an Estate Peacefully and Fairly, the immediate response I often receive is an expressive ‘roll of the eyes’ and then a comment like “Already been through it – too late for me – wish we’d had that a couple of years ago. I have two sisters who still aren’t speaking to each other.”
