Learning to Say NO

"I find it difficult to confront conflict openly because I don't want to be perceived as negative. I often go above and beyond to help others, even when I know it's grunt work assigned to me because I am reliable. By doing this, they save their time for more glorifying work, but for me it's tiring and unproductive, to say the least. Feeling that I have established myself as a team player, I have been resisting this type of pressure lately, but I don't feel like I am doing it effectively. I fake a smile (like you said) and carry on with my regular tasks. However, it wears me down emotionally. Also, because of my pushback to doing these types of tasks, I am afraid of being labeled uncooperative. Can you shed some light on how men might handle this differently?"
 
Betty-Ann HeggieBoth men and women learned to say "no" as two-year olds, but since then women have been socialized to be compliant. We are afraid to say no in case we aren't liked, and we think hard work is the answer to getting ahead. Men are much more strategic. They know that it's all about who you say yes and no to and which work you agree to do. They also treat all assignments as a negotiation, asking for more time for tasks, to be included in meetings where the task will be discussed, or for permission to adjust their workload by dropping another assignment. By appearing to agree but then not doing the work, our reader is going to be considered passive-aggressive. My Mom was a career woman at a time when it was uncommon to be so. She told me that when faced with a difficult situation, she would think to herself, "What would a man do in this circumstance?" And her answer most often was that they would confront things openly. I used this advice early in my working life when I found myself being the brunt of work overload with yet another assignment being foisted on me. I said to my boss, "I can do that, but I'll have to drop something else. Let's discuss what would be best." I remember the look of surprise on his face but also the satisfaction I felt as we discussed on more even ground the project workload and deadlines.
 
Here's some ideas for learning to say "no":
 
1) When you say "yes," be sure you mean it. There is nothing that eats away at your energy levels more than the resentment of not saying what you mean. It's easier to say "yes" than "no," and that's what gets us in trouble. Women need to learn to say "no" to others but also learn not to take "no" as an answer.
 
2) Treat every assignment as a negotiation. Don't be afraid to ask for things for yourself. You'll be amazed to find that it is respected if you confront things openly. Being compliant can be a negotiation strategy, but be sure you are doing it without contempt.
 
3) Practice saying "no" by getting your lines ready in advance. For example, you might try deflecting the request by suggesting someone with less on their plate. Have the name and argument ready.
 
4) Consider the source. Align yourself with those of influence by saying "yes" to them and "no" to those where the potential payback will be minimal. Choose to say "Yes" to activities that fill you with energy and "No" to those that drain you.
 
Learning to say "NO" is an important part of the fourth Stilletto Step of Self-Care. The goal here is to keep making deposits in our energy bank account and a good way to do that is to learn to shake our head from side to side!