The Biggest Mistakes Couples Make

As a Marriage, Family Therapist for 27 years, I counseled many couples who started off in bliss and were crying in despair over their crumbling union with their loved one. After exploring their issues, I often found the same mistakes that caused the couples to unconsciously destroy the very thing they cherished.

I love offering pre-marital counseling sessions, in order to help the lovebirds avoid the traps that couples fall into. Preventing problems is so much easier and definitely less painful than clean-up years later. Imagine all the hurt you can avoid when you know the common mistakes that can undermine your loving relationship.

No matter what stage you are in your partnership, the following mistaken beliefs and truths can assist you to create and maintain the loving union you desire.

1. Mistake: All I have to do is love my partner and all will be perfect.

Truth: Love is not enough to maintain a relationship. You also need to like your partner, create win-win solutions to all your problems, and have similar values, goals, and interests. It takes two happy people with high self-esteem and good communication skills, to create a healthy relationship.

2. Mistake: My partner is responsible for my hurt feelings, anger, and frustrations.

Truth: You are totally responsible for all your feelings and actions. Way before you were in your loving partnership, you were influenced by your parents, siblings, teachers, etc. and you made decisions based on your experiences. These decisions cause you to perceive things in the present that may not be true.

For example, if your mother or father was not there for you, you probably decided that you were not good enough, unimportant, unworthy, and unlovable. These negative decisions will likely be projected onto your partner. Therefore, if he or she does not call, your hurt may be caused by the decision that you are unimportant. The truth is that you are important even if your partner does not call.

3. Mistake: I am an adult now, and my parents have no influence on me.

Truth: Without exception, every client realized that they unconsciously married someone like their mother or father to resolve their issues with them.

For example: When Sandy was growing up she was constantly criticized by her father, and she felt very hurt. To her surprise, Sandy kept marrying men who were also critical and verbally abusive. After I assisted her to heal her issues with her father, through a process I developed, HART (Holistic And Rapid Transformation), Sandy started attracting men who were nurturing and kind.

4. Mistake: Once I am in a committed relationship, I can focus on my work, sports, hobbies, etc.

Truth: A successful relationship requires focus, time, and energy, just like everything else that is important to you. If you are hired for a position and you don't work at doing a good job, you are likely to be fired. To improve your skills in your chosen sport, you will need to learn more about it and practice. Entering a college is just the first step. It takes studying, time, and energy to do well. The same is true in a loving union.

It is important not to take each other for granted, and to spend quality time together, read relationship books, take classes to improve your communication, and attend workshops and seminars. Your relationship will continue to grow when you do. I always say that couples who grow together stay together.

5. Mistake: I can treat my partner anyway I choose, and we will be together forever.

Truth: If you treat your partner as you would your best friend, he or she is more likely to want to stay in the relationship. Everyone likes and deserves appreciation, respect, attention, kindness, affection, and compliments. Be as loving as you can, and it will come back to you and strengthen your loving bond.

Now that you have some insights and solutions for a healthy relationship, you have a better chance of succeeding. You deserve a fantastic relationship. Go for it!