Boys will be Boys

Depending on whether you believe science or religion, human males and females have been living side by side for either 200 000 years or a gazillion billion years. What is not in dispute, though is that in all that time women have never been able to crack the impregnable fortress that is a man’s mind. Two men explain some of their more baffling habits to us.

Have so many Clothes on their Bedroom Floors

Guys see clothes differently from the way girls do. Girls see clothes as pieces of cloth that sometimes need washing. A guy sees his clothes as part of a sports team and himself as its captain. We give favorite T-shirts nicknames and truly believe that, like star players, they have a certain magic about them – a magic that can be destroyed by washing. So, like any good sporting team, we rest our key players but we don’t risk washing them. What you see is a pile of dirty clothes; what we see is the ‘reserves bench’.

Still Love a Good Wrestle

Somewhere deep inside every man there lives a tiny caveman sitting by an open fire. Not literally, of course. So, since we don’t get the opportunity to make flint tools these days, we wrestle to satisfy our primal urges. Then we get a hankering for mammoth meat but never get very far, because we’re forced to sit quietly and watch soap opera. But our inner caveman hoots quietly in happy anticipation of the next wrestle.

Get Hung up About a Girl Swallowing

Guys who want girls to do it clearly have control issues. We know there’s no way it could taste good, so there’s no need for you to pretend it does. If it tasted like cookies and cream, we’d have heard about it by now. It’s confusing, though, that some guys see swallowing as a compliment.

Don’t Notice when the Rubbish bin is overflowing or the Sink needs Wiping

The way the male brain works is this; we always think that what we’re doing is of vital importance to all mankind. A lot of the time we might look blank but, on the inside, we’re pondering. We know we’re of the same species as Descartes, Einstein and Da Vinci, and we know they probably didn’t waste time with menial things such as taking out the rubbish.

I’ll bet Da Vinci’s girlfriend wasn’t telling him to wipe spots off the mirror when he was designing a helicopter hundreds of years before anyone else. Then, when we’ve done the task, we get back to the great thoughts we were having, usually things like, which is better – ale or lager?

Tape Sports Events They’re Watching

Women don’t have the good sense to let a man watch more than three uninterrupted minutes of any sports event. When I sit down to watch the champions League final, I know that all the oestrogen carrier in my house sees is a stationary target for a chat about the mohair throws ‘we’ saw at the mall.

And this urge to communicate always coincides with the crucial ‘was it a penalty?’ moment. Recording the game is our insurance policy so we’re not the only guy in the civilized world who doesn’t have an opinion about whether Didier Drogba was offside.

Another thing you should know; from the first day we meet you we already have an exit strategy worked out. For us, a relationship is like an Alcatraz filled with the promise of treasures. As we enter, we’re thinking, ‘if there’s only fake jewelry in here, I’ll use my plan to get out.

Want Anal Sex

Deep down in places we don’t talk about, men have an irrational need to be pioneers. When we meet a woman, we’re secretly hoping that we are her first, even if she is 30. That’s because all men have an innate need to be explorers; ‘to boldly go’ where no man has gone before. How else do you explain why we have the uncontrollable urge to send probes to Mars? We see our little peckers as low level NASA probes exploring uncharted territory.

Anal sex is also an option that increases the statistical probability of getting ‘play’ even when the lunar cycle is unfavorable. We want to know that when the traffic light is red, we can always take the dirt road.