Here's the most common problem I see among clients, friends, family members and colleagues. Actually, it's not really a problem so much as it is a belief. It's a limiting belief that says:
"It's not okay to get what I want."
Not only do I see it in others, but it's also one of my own personal favorites. How about you? Does any of this ring true for you?
"What I want" can be anything from the last piece of pizza to a certain amount of time to yourself to a happy marriage to a career or business you really want.
Whatever the object of desire, there's an underlying belief or feeling that says it's not okay to have it.
Several months ago, during a session with my own coach, I came face to face with this very issue. I'd been working more than usual, and my coach was really challenging me to tell my employer I needed the following day off.
That was a tough challenge to consider. Although I probably deserved a day off as much as anyone else, there was something in me that fought the idea.
I thought how nice it would be to not have any agenda for the whole day, and I wanted to take that day off. But still, I could feel the tension arise within me as she challenged me further.
The end result was I did take the day off - just not that particular day. We compromised. Actually, I compromised. Right? Wrong? Who knows. Who cares? The world is still running fine, and I haven't lost any sleep over my decision.
The first of 28 Attraction Principles in Thomas Leonard's "The Portable Coach" is "Become Incredibly Selfish." Hmm. I wonder if Thomas saw this as a common issue with his clients, friends and colleagues? If you haven't read the book yet, I'd suggest you pick up a copy. He gives a whole new definition for the word selfish.
Along with that, here are a few tips I'll offer as well.
1. Learn to recognize this belief working in your life. Do you rarely make time for yourself? Do you find yourself involved in all sorts of projects that you really don't enjoy? Are you doing and having everything except that which you really want? Those are a few ways this belief may show up in your life.
2. Get clear on what you really do want. Do you want an extra hour or two each day for yourself? How about an incredibly happy marriage or relationship? Maybe you'd just like a more comfortable chair at work.
3. Ask for what you want, even if this belief comes up and says it's not okay to have it. When you first start out, it's difficult to ask for what you want. Ask anyway. It's just a belief.
4. Consider the distinction: "taking a stand vs. being positional." Taking a stand for what you want is simply stating your want without feeling a need to prove you deserve it. It's what you want. It's your choice. Period. "I'm taking a day just for me next Monday."
Being positional is stating what you want with an underlying need to prove to yourself and/or others it's okay to have it. "I've worked 6 days straight, and I deserve a day to myself!"
5. This one is from "The Portable Coach," but I love it. Say "no" just because you feel like it. How great would that feel? How many times have you wanted to say "no" to something, but couldn't bring yourself to do it?
6. Set aside "me time." This is time just for you to do whatever you want. Why? Say it with me . . . because you want to.
7. Whenever you see the belief "it's not okay to get what I want," name it. Name it for what it is - an old, tired, limiting collection of thoughts from your past. Again, it's not Truth.
8. Look at how you can get what you want in a way that's oriented around your core values. In other words, instead of allowing the coulds, shoulds and woulds determine what you have and how you get it, find out what your core values are, and let that be your guide.
9. Consider a Coach. If you read any of these and they sound out of the realm of possibility for you, that's a sure sign you've got this belief very deeply embedded in your personal operating system. You probably would benefit from some personal attention.
10. Sleep well. In the end, it's you who has to release yourself from this inner bondage. Whether you control your own life or allow the expectations and needs of others to do it, make it a conscious choice, and BE HAPPY with it.
