Being assertive in your relationships…

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Do you want to be a stand-up, assertive person in your relationships but you often find yourself being too passive or too aggressive? It can be hard to find that sweet spot!

David Richo helps us understand the differences between these traits on pages 27-29 of his insightful book "How to be an Adult".

Before I go into what healthy assertiveness looks like, here is what it is not. It is not being passive or what I call permissive or overly nice. Some examples of being passive are from page 27. You may “Over-commit: doing too much for too long for too little thanks, and when even more is asked of you, doing it dutifully”. Another example may be “smoothing over situation so that the real feelings do not emerge (from yourself or others)”. On page 28, Richo says being passive can be “avoiding decisive action by coping with an unsatisfactory situation or relationship…”. Being passive can often be disrespectful to yourself. You deserve better.

Being assertive also does not mean being aggressive. This is a common misconception. On page 28, aggressiveness is described at “attempting to control or manipulate others”, “emotional or physical violence”, or “acting spitefully or vengefully toward people who are rude or hurtful to you”. An aggressor looks to hold power over others, not just themselves, and they blame others for their feels and the circumstances in their life. Being aggressive is often disrespectful to others. Your friends, family, and significant other deserve better.

In the beginning of Richo’s chapter entitled Assertiveness Skills on page 22, the author describes being assertive as “being clear about your feelings, choices, and agenda, asking for what you want, and taking responsibility for your feelings and behavior”. An assertive person takes responsibility for themselves and their actions/ feelings while still allowing others to respond to this assertiveness positively or negatively without resentment. The following are just a few rights that an assertive person should have: “To ask for 100% of what you want from 100% of the people in your life, 100% of the time”, “to change your mind or to make mistakes”, “to enjoy emotional and physical safety”, and “to say no or maybe without pressure to decide in accord to someone else’s timing”. Being assertive allows you to stand up for yourself without bulldozing other anybody else’s opinions, decisions, or rights.

I will leave you with one last quote from page 29: “Practicing assertiveness leads to a realization that you have alternatives, no matter how coffining your predicament may be.”