Work from Big to Small, but Do Not Ignore the Small

Take a deep breath. Your kids are scared and need you to help them make sense of how life will change in big and small ways, even if you can't make sense of it yourself.

Big Things for You:

• Housing. Where is everyone going to live? How much will it cost to run two households?

• Custody. Who will stay where and when?

• Schools. Will anything change?

• Transportation. Do you each have a vehicle that will carry all the children plus a parent? If you have a sports car, say goodbye.

Big Things for Your Children:

• Friends. Will I be able to have them over to each house? Will they still like me?

• Bedrooms. Will I have to share a room? Will I still be able to share a room? My kids each got their own room, but sometimes they are lonely, so we have a lot of sibling sleepovers.

• Toys and Games. Can we get a Wii for each house? A bike? Where will my baseball equipment live?

• Pets. Will Fido move around with us? No? Who will take care of him when we are gone and make sure he has his squeaky?

• Clothes and Stuff. If I forget something, will you ferry us back and forth until we get the hang of this new arrangement?

I don't even want to get into homework, a Big Thing for EVERYONE. In the six years since the OP and I divorced, we still struggle with this. Textbooks are left under beds, reports started at one house don't get to the other house to finish, we bookmark websites on mom's computer but can't remember how to find them on dad's. We spend a lot of time scanning, emailing, and ferrying parts of books and papers between houses. Try asking teachers for a second textbook. It beats constantly hearing, "I left it at the other house, can I turn it in later?"

Very, Very Small Sampling of the Small Things:

• Shoes. What? You came here barefoot and don't have shoes to wear?

• Uniforms. Buy two of everything. Yes, it's expensive. So is anger management therapy.

• Cell Phones and Paraphernalia. Keeping track is maddening.

• Notices from School. ARGH. Weekly envelopes go home on Wednesdays. Guess who doesn't have custody on Wednesdays? Never knowing what is going on drives me up a wall.

• Teeth. If a child loses a tooth at one house but sleeps at the other, where does the Tooth Fairy leave that freaking dollar? You also have to work out custody for the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.

Have "Mirror Houses" if you can. Anything you can do to ease the transition into two households will help the kids (and you!) cope. For instance, I went out and purchased the same sheets, comforters, quilts, pillows, and drapes. The OP bought the furniture, and I provided the familiarity. It looked familiar, felt familiar, and eventually smelled familiar. INVEST IN THE FAMILIAR!

It gets easier, and you will tap into powers of organization you never thought you possessed. You will learn to be an administrative team or go crazy. Separate the administrative bits of parenting from the interpersonal relationship you've had with your OP. You don't have to share a bed, but you have to share schedules. You don't have to talk about your feelings, but you have to talk about the children's needs, responsibilities, and feelings. It's easier to concentrate on issues concerning the children than on those you occasionally wade into between you and the OP. Repeat after me: you are a better team in two houses.