How to handle an angry outburst

Have you ever been so angry you couldn’t speak? Have your  buttons been pushed so that your detonation switch was triggered?I can relate. I have been so angry that I have lashed out  like a two-year-old. I have avoided people after saying something I deeply  regret. I have lived those moments in my head over and over again.And I have learned, albeit the hard way, that when I am angry  it’s best for me to say nothing at all.But that’s easier said than done.Experts tell us that the average explosion of anger is 45  seconds long. Try being on the receiving end of 45 seconds of anger,  frustration, and undoubtedly unprofessional behaviour. But, sadly, it does  happen in the workplace as well as in our personal lives.When your opponent is letting loose on you, it is important  to take the high road, to remain calm, and to avoid saying something you will regret saying.But how do you do that? Rather than focusing on your anger, focus on hearing what the  other person is saying. Don’t listen to what they are saying—hearing and  listening are two totally different things. Hear past the person’s words, and  try to understand what they are trying to tell you. When they are finished, avoid the temptation to ask them if  they are finished yet (remember, we are trying to be professional here). Let  two or three full seconds pass before you say anything. Maintain eye contact.  Remember that you still have to work with this person in the future (or attend  family gatherings with them).When the time has passed (to ensure they are indeed  finished), put on your most “adult” voice, with as much calm as you can muster,  and say, “I’m sorry you feel this way.”This, in my opinion, is a beautiful statement. It does not  mean that you agree with what they are upset about; it does not mean anything,  really. You probably are sorry they feel this way, because if they weren’t so  upset, you wouldn’t be at the receiving end of this explosion (and undoubtedly  your day would be better).Don’t say anything after that. Stop talking. Let them get the  final bits of anger and frustration out. Don’t become a sponge, and don’t  absorb what they are saying. Don’t defend yourself, or even comment on what was  said at this point.This will be difficult. Here’s something that will be even harder: to simply walk  away. Walking away and remaining quiet are two of the most important things you  will ever do. You can’t say the wrong thing when you walk away. And it gives  you time to ensure that you do say the right thing.Before you walk away, you do need to indicate that this  person’s behaviour is not acceptable and that you both need to do something  about it. Say, “I agree that we need to talk about what just happened.” (Be  sure to avoid the word “you.” Don’t say “We need to talk about what you just  said.” Although true, it creates defensiveness and your opponent will not  listen to what you said.)Say, “Let’s get together again in two hours in my/your office to discuss this.” And then leave. If two hours is not OK with your opponent,  leave it up to them to reschedule.You do need to deal  with the issue. But the middle of an angry confrontation is not the right  place, and certainly not the right time. You need to prepare yourself for what  you have to say, how you want to say it, and ensure that you are focused on the  real issue and not caught up in the emotions of the situation.I am certainly not telling you to avoid confrontation. You  know I teach a teleseminar and deliver training programs on how to do that  effectively. I am telling you to gain control of an explosive situation. At  this point, you have no control. You will not say the right thing. You need  time to settle down, gather your wits and your professionalism and take the  high road.When I was much younger, I worked with a man who was very  verbal with his frustration. Since I was the new kid on the block, I appeared  to be the easiest target. The first time it happened I had absolutely no idea  what to say or do, and I was completely dumbfounded and speechless (which quite  frankly, rarely happens to me). I said nothing.One of the other more experienced people in the office came  up to me and let me know that saying nothing was the perfect response. Jim  wanted to fight, and by not responding, he couldn’t fight with me.The next time it happened, I again said nothing; but I didn’t  feel good about that response because his behaviour was clearly continuing. I  was not about to be his verbal punching bag.The third time it happened, I did say that I was sorry that  he felt that way, but that taking out his anger on me was inappropriate and  unprofessional. He had just been “told” by a 19-year-old, and he looked  juvenile. I knew there was a silent round of applause for me that day. The next  day (it took me a while to gather my bravado for this), I approached him, in  private, and told him that if he was upset about anything that I did, I would  appreciate if he spoke to me privately instead of in front of everyone. I don’t  honestly remember what else I said (19 was a long time ago), but I do know that  it worked, even though I was shaking in my boots.Jim found a new target. I didn’t change his behaviour  completely, but I did let him know that I wasn’t going to OK with his exploding  on me, especially in public. He found someone else who would let him fight.It is very hard to stand up to a bully. It is very hard to  take the high road. It is hard not to say exactly what you are thinking, but it  is well worth the effort.So the next time someone starts screaming at you, imagine  that you are being watched by an invisible camera and look as professional,  calm and in control as you possibly can be—on the outside, anyway.