When faced with the possibility of the loss of a loved one, we often gain great clarity about the things that are really important in life. We often find ourselves able to forgive more freely and love more deeply when we are thrust into the possibility of such tremendous loss.
In this way, cancer can be a blessing to families, because it can heal petty wounds and bring family members who have drifted apart back together. For those who were already close, it can deepen the relationship further than you ever imagined. In Anne Orchard’s book, Their Cancer: Your Journey, she discusses deepening your relationship with your loved one who has cancer.
While the situation you are in can be used as a lens to look clearly at the whole of your life, there is one area in particular in which it can really make a difference. That is in your relationship with the person who has cancer. If you already have a good relationship, you will be amazed at how much deeper it can become. If you don’t, you now have an opportunity to address the problems.
Whilst writing this book, I have told lots of new people about my mother dying. Often they ask “Were you close?” - as if that meant it hurt more, or less, to lose her. The truth is that we weren’t – before the cancer. One of my aunts once told me that she thought I was very like Mum in her younger days. Perhaps that is why her disapproval of some of my life decisions was so strong, and why I never felt quite good enough for her.
My mother’s illness, for us, was an opening. Her attitude to me seemed to change, and certainly my attitude to her did. It was no longer important to defend my decisions or actions, only to build some kind of connection before it was too late. Of course, I now realise that it is never too late. If you are prepared to really hear your loved one, you will continue to learn about them even if they have died, as you remember old conversations.
If you let go of being attached to your end of the relationship; if you can forget about what you are getting out of it and just give, then you will have the space to feel your connection with your loved one either in person or in spirit.
They say that “every cloud has a silver lining”. Facing the death of a loved one can seem to carry nothing but grief. But, if the cloud of cancer has a silver lining, it must be that cancer strips away the surface hurts and misunderstandings and helps us to understand our loved ones better and love them more deeply. While it’s true that you may be nearing the end of your earthly and physical relationship with your loved one, these last months, weeks and days may be the most treasured of your lives.
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