One thing I’ve loved since I was a little boy were superheroes. Believe me, I read so many Superman and Batman comic books when I was a kid that it’s not even funny. I loved their varied super powers, and how they constantly got out of scrapes that would have destroyed any normal man. I was so into them that I also became big fans of the Flash, Spiderman, the Fantastic Four, the Green Lantern, and several others. I’m also quite excited that there’s a new Batman movie out, Batman Begins, and its early reviews are outstanding! To say that I’ll see it more than once is an understatement, the Batman character is terrifically fascinating, and I hope this’ll be the start of a whole new string of Batman films.
All that having been said, I’ve started wondering if I could create a superhero. A superhero who’s different, a Southern superhero, and more specifically, a Georgia superhero. A superhero that we Georgians can claim as one of our own. And, if I think really hard about it, if I think of all the unique things that Georgia has to offer, and if I think about the kind of superhero that would excite me enough to go out and buy a comic book, one potential superhero fits the bill. Readers of this column, y’all are about to be the first people ever to hear about our newest superhero, yes, our first ever Georgia superhero - ladies and gentlemen, let me proudly introduce you to....
Red Clay Man!
Yes, that’s right, Red Clay Man! Faster than a man who’s just eaten a large helping of aged jalapenos! More powerful than a Okefenokee gator in heat! Able to leap tall fire ant mounds in a single bound!
Isn‘t he the most? And don’t laugh, Red Clay Man is endowed with powers far different than that of the average superhero. All Red Clay Man has to do to get ready for some crime fighting is to go out into rural Georgia and fill up his Crackerjack Back Pack with handfuls of red clay. Armed with one of our most precious natural substances, he can go out and fight crime like no one‘s business! Just think of it - a criminal holds up a bank in Metter and decides to drive out in the country to count the loot. He pulls over on some little back road somewhere and starts counting. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a big glob of red clay hits him smack between the eyes! He’s blinded! And, if he happens to have the presence of mind to try and run away, well, two globs of wet red clay splash down on the ground right in front of him, causing him to slip and fall. At that point, Red Clay Man slaps his kudzu cuffs on the evildoer and renders justice to him, Georgia style!
Okay, there may be a couple of minor flaws in Red Clay Man, but hey, every superhero has his or her weaknesses. I guess he could only fight crime out in the rural parts of Georgia because he’d have to keep his supply of red clay continually replenished, but hey, rural Georgia has crime too, right? And I suppose he’d need a way to get around our state in order to fight crime, so what better vehicle for him to ride around in and terrify evildoers with than the Maypop Mobile? And, since most crime fighters need a sidekick, a partner, someone to help get him out of those tight superhero type scrapes that all the great crime fighters get into, I guess I’ll need to create him one. Folks, I have the perfect one in mind, I’ll team Red Clay Man up with our newest superhero sidekick, the Boiled Peanut! Put those two together, and you have one heckuva crime fighting team, two superheroes that’ll put the fear of our previous state flag into any evil doer that challenges them!
Red Clay Man and the Boiled Peanut, our two newest superheroes and Georgia ones to boot! Hey, if we can host the Olympics in Atlanta, and if we can elect a President from here, well, we can have our own superheroes, too! And, it’s in our economic best interests if Red Clay Man catches on - just think about it. Batman is out there selling tons of t-shirts, toys, and more, just think of the red clay samples we could ship out of here on account of our newest superhero! Why, the proceeds from these sales might be so great that they could even help get the City of Macon out of hock!
Arguing About Arguments, the Chinless, and North Korean Parrots...
Wanna know something that I get asked about pretty frequently from people who contact me about this column? They ask when I might write one about my views on politics and world affairs.
Sleep With 'Em First!
Well, as I sit here writing this, it’s very quiet. The air is cool and the house is dark, the only light emanating from within being the light from my computer. It’s so quiet here, in fact, that I can hear the rhythm from my fingertips as they dance across this keyboard. Sounds like the perfect writer’s scenario, doesn’t it? The problem is that it isn’t, in fact, this whole situation blows. It happens to be 6 am on a Saturday morning and I’m sitting here wide awake!
Festival Mania!
What’s the big deal with ... these days?I mean it, why are there so many ... now? Used to, you would hear about an ... festival here and there, for example, there might be a waterme
