Couples Relationship Assessment - Section 5 - Cross Over the Bridge Together

Jun 17 07:06 2008 Glenn Cohen Print This Article

Upon graduating from the blissful stage of early infatuation, couples ideally will progress to the next stage of love that enables them to weather life’s many storms.  Emotionally Intelligent love is not based exclusively on fireworks and intense sexual attraction, which defines the infatuation stage.

Upon graduating from the blissful stage of early infatuation,Guest Posting couples ideally will progress to the next stage of love that enables them to weather life’s many storms.  Emotionally Intelligent love is not based exclusively on fireworks and intense sexual attraction, which defines the infatuation stage.  Although sexual chemistry is a great thing, genuine, mature, healthy love is established through deep friendship, connection and mutual respect for each other’s values and vision.

In order to complete the building process, it is necessary to understand one another at a deep level.  In order to stay connected, you must work together toward a shared set of values and a clear vision for the future as you move through life together.

If you are in the midst of relationship distress and turmoil, you will be hard pressed to uncover the true core of your struggle.  Becoming glued to everyday surface issues and problems, you will identify with superficial content while ignoring the deeper rhythm of your relationship dance.  It is not until you gain the insight and self-awareness to look intensely into your own mirror that you begin “knowing.”

No two individuals share the same perspective.  Recognition and understanding of your partner’s perspectives are precursors to healthy communication.  Such insight is also a prerequisite for the feelings of mutual safety, trust, respect, and admiration.  Once you begin to understand one another’s views of the current state of the relationship, you are in the right position to change and Co-Create the relationship of your dreams.

In Section 5 of the Couples Relationship Assessment, you will score statements that correspond to the following chapters from The Journey from “I-TO-WE”.

Chapter 14 - Become Best Friends Forever

Would you be friends with someone who does not elicit trust, respect or admiration?  Probably not.  Why, then, would you expect to maintain a friendship or connection to a partner without these same qualities?  Those of you who enjoy a successful and happy relationship have a deep-rooted friendship and take care in maintaining it.

To endure life’s challenges, doesn’t a relationship require a foundation of real friendship?  Consider the qualities you might want in a friendship with your partner.  Next, to understand precisely who your friend is, you’ll want to make a conscious effort to learn about their past experiences, present realities and future desires:

Chapter 15 - Create and Maintain a Deep Connection

In order to feel connected to each other, certain critical elements must exist:  First, you must have the feelings of being safe, loved and cared for and the thoughts of trust, respect and admiration in your relationship.  Second, you need to have a deep-rooted friendship.  Third, you must view each other and your relationship from a positive perspective and act in a way that reinforces the positive energy in your relationship.

When a relationship exists in a Cycle of Conflict, the prevailing atmosphere becomes charged with negative energy.  In order to create and maintain a deep connection—you must learn to break the state of negativity.  Change what you think, how you behave, how you speak to and about each other, and how you act toward each other.

Chapter 16 - Create a Shared Set of Values to Honor

Values encompass attitudes and beliefs about what is important.  You will have your own definition and hierarchy of values, and a personal value language.  I have encountered some who say that their most important values are compassion, giving and respect; others crave power, greed and success.  Often I hear an emphasis on the words I, me, and mine

Values form the basis of what you see, feel and think about yourself, others and the world in general.  They influence thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and lay the foundation for making important life decisions.  Identifying, being aware of, and honoring your values produce the benefits of gaining clarity and purpose in personal development, interpersonal relationships and overall lifestyle. 

Chapter 17 - Define and Live Your Relationship Vision

If you do not know where you want to go, how do you expect to get there?  A vision is a kind of roadmap, a detailed image of your hopes, dreams and expectations.  In order for you to live a life of purpose, you must define your vision.  By which values do you want to live, thus accomplishing and realizing your vision? 

Your vision is a source of personal power that motivates and inspires you to live the life you want to love.  A vision that is Co-Created with a loving partner serves as a guiding light on your journey together.  Such a vision will inspire you to work toward a future filled with abundance.  It will remind you of the full potential of your relationship.

Are you ready to continue your journey to gain the awareness, learn the skills and practice the techniques to achieve relationship success at home, at work and within yourself?

Section 5 – Complete steps 1-4.  Step 5-9 will be completed in Section 7

Step 1 – Your perspective of yourself - Rate your degree of agreement with each statement on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a definite “yes” and 1 being a definite “no.”  Using a black pen, write your score on the first line to the left of each statement.

Step 2 – Your perspective of your partner - Rate your partner according to how you feel the statement applies to him or her from your perspective.  Using a black pen, write your score on the second line to the left of each statement.

Example:     10_     8_- 1 - I am committed to our relationship.

If you feel you are 100% committed, place a 10 as shown above.  If you feel your partner is only 80% committed, place an 8 on the second space.

Step 3 – When you have completed each of the topics, total all of the scores within each topic, and write the number in the space marked Topic Score. When you and your partner have finished scoring your Assessments, let each other know.

Step 4 – No matter what number your partner writes down, refrain from reacting negatively to your partner’s scores.  Be supportive; do not get defensive, resentful, or angry.  Begin to create safety in the relationship by thanking your partner for having the courage to trust you by sharing his or her true thoughts and feelings.

Step 5 – At the top of the “Our Relationship Assessment” page is a space to record the date and your names.  Record your perspective of yourself score beneath your name.  Next, when your partner shares the total topic score from his or her workbook, record it beneath his or her name.

Step 6 – Total both of your scores for each topic and divide by 200 to get the percentage score.  Place this under the Topic Percentage Score heading to the right of your individual scores.

Step 7 – Total your individual scores for each topic; divide by 21.  Place both of the average sums in the appropriate Total Relationship Score line at the end of the “Our Relationship Assessment.”  Add your two percentages, divide by two, and place the number to the right of your individual Total Relationship Scores.  This is the percentage score for your assessment.

Step 8 – In the “Our Relationship Assessment” section, using a black pen, place a checkmark to the left of each topic heading that has a Total Percentage Score of 80 or above.  Celebrate these and focus on the positives they bring to your relationship.

Step 9 – Place a red X to the left of each topic heading that has a percentage score below 80.  Be mindful of the topics that score between 60 and 79.  Here, you have room to improve, but such areas are less dire than any topics with scores below 60.  They are the areasthat need the most immediate attention.

Chapter 14 - Become Best Friends Forever

_______  _______ - 1 - My partner is my best friend.

_______  _______ - 2 - I know about my partner’s past from childhood on.

_______  _______ - 3 - I know my partners inner secrets.

_______  _______ - 4 - I know my partner’s dreams and aspirations.

_______  _______ - 5 - I know what makes my partner happy and sad.

_______  _______ - 6 - I know what my partner likes and dislikes.

_______  _______ - 7 - We work as a team in our relationship.

_______  _______ - 8 - We speak at least once during the workday.

_______  _______ - 9 - We talk about each other’s day at night.

_______  _______ - 10 - I know what is happening in my partners life today.

_______  _______ - Topic Score

Chapter 15 - Create and Maintain a Deep Connection

_______  _______ - 1 - I feel very connected to my partner.

_______  _______ - 2 - I have positive feelings for and perspectives of my partner.

_______  _______ - 3 - I have positive feelings for and perspectives of the relationship.

_______  _______ - 4 - I am open and honest with my partner.

_______  _______ - 5 - I am loving and affectionate with my partner.

_______  _______ - 6 - I trust, respect, and admire my partner.

_______  _______ - 7 - We make all important decisions together.

_______  _______ - 8 - I am grateful and show my partner appreciation.

_______  _______ - 9 - I listen to, and am open to be influenced by my partner.

_______  _______ - 10 - I tell my partner how much I am grateful, appreciate, and love him or her every day.

_______  _______ - Topic Score

Chapter 16 - Create a Shared Set of Values to Honor

_______  _______ - 1 - I have identified and defined my Learned Values.

_______  _______ - 2 - I have identified and defined my Core Values.

_______  _______ - 3 - I respect my partner’s individual values.

_______  _______ - 4 - I understand how my values shape my beliefs.

_______  _______ - 5 - I understand how following my values will affect my relationship and myself.

_______  _______ - 6 - I have consciously chosen new positive values.

_______  _______ - 7 - We have a shared set of values for how we love and honor each other.

_______  _______ - 8 - We have a shared set of values for our family.

_______  _______ - 9 - We have a shared set of values for our future.

_______  _______ - 10 - I live my life with purpose and in peace by honoring our shared values.

_______  _______ - Topic Score

Chapter 17 - Define and Live Your Relationship Vision

_______  _______ - 1 - I have defined my vision and life purpose.

_______  _______ - 2 - I am living my vision and life purpose.

_______  _______ - 3 - We have shared our visions for the future with each other, and they are similar.

_______  _______ - 4 - We have shared our global beliefs about life, and they are similar.

_______  _______ - 5 - We have similar dreams and aspirations that are important to us.

_______  _______ - 6 - We have developed a shared vision statement for our relationship.

_______  _______ - 7 - We agree enthusiastically on, and feel positive about, our shared vision.

_______  _______ - 8 - We have plans and goals to accomplish our shared vision.

_______  _______ - 9 - We are enjoying the description of our perfect days together.

_______  _______ - 10 - I have made a commitment to live each day with intention and take absolute personal responsibility to accomplish my goals, enabling us to realize our shared vision.

_______  _______ - Topic Score

So, how did you score?  When you completed this section, were you surprised by your partner’s responses.  It is very telling when you turn toward each other and say, “I had no idea you felt that way.”  Such awareness begins the process.  Consequently, the assessment will illustrate strengths and weaknesses along with the varying perspectives that you and your partner bring to the relationship.  I encourage you to complete all 7 of the Couples Relationship Assessments. 

My hope is that this assessment series is the beginning of a guide for you on a wonderful journey together as you begin to cross the bridge into your field of sunflowers.  Remember to live each day honoring The 12 Principles of Emotionally Intelligent Relationships.

From now until eternity,

may you always remain each other’s…

Best Friend during the Day,

Lover at Night, and

Partner for Life

©2008 – All rights reserved –Glenn Cohen - “I-TO-WE” Relationship Coaching

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About Article Author

Glenn Cohen
Glenn Cohen

Glenn Cohen is a certified relationship coach.  He coaches individuals, couples and works with companies across the country.  He conducts workshops, speeches, seminars and trains coaches, healthcare professionals, religious counselors, and corporations on the use of his program.  You may contact him at 843-852-9828 or his website, www.i-to-we.org

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