Toasting the Bride and Groom Without A Foot/Mouth Problem

Oct 7
11:40

2009

Matt D Murren

Matt D Murren

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Maybe you've attended a wedding lately where the toasts were so long that the D-jay fell asleep standing up, while he was waiting to announce the father-daughter dance. Even worse are those wedding speeches that are so embarrassing, at least a dozen guests start choking loudly on their food, evidently preferring a 911 call rather than allowing the speech maker any further liberties with the microphone.

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Maybe you've attended a wedding lately where the toasts were so long that the D-jay fell asleep standing up,  while he was waiting to announce the father-daughter dance.   Even worse are those wedding speeches that are so embarrassing,Toasting the Bride and Groom Without A Foot/Mouth Problem Articles at least a dozen guests start choking loudly on their food, evidently preferring a 911 call rather than allowing the speech maker any further liberties with the microphone.  What can be said safely in the environment where your entire family tree, in-laws, clergy, caterers and office colleagues are crowded into one room?  Three ideas take the cake for this occasion:  keep it short, keep it abstract, and keep it historical.

Two minutes is a great length for a wedding speech.  First say your name, and briefly describe how you are related to the newly wedded couple.  Congratulate them without going into details on your sentimental feelings at that particular moment; there are many strangers in the room who are not ready for a teary-eyed confession of your deeply held passion.  The food, the room, and the music are probably worth at least $600 per hour, so the wedding speaker does not need to keep these services waiting.

Weddings tend to attract a number of related events, like bridal showers and bachelor activities, but some of those experiences should provide private bonding moments, not meant for rebroadcasting.  If a few too many drinks were served and things got rowdy, no need to bring it up in front of the young cousins, aunts, and great uncles at the wedding reception.  Keep your observations somewhat removed from recent weeks and months, perhaps focusing on a list of favorite things from ten years ago.  Begin a short vignette by saying "I remember the groom's favorite food in college," for example.  A favorite sport, hobby, or travel destination is also a safe but pleasant remembrance.  Something at the reception, like the bride's favorite color or flower will somehow tie into the groom's list of favorite things, and the speech can gain a magical sense of symmetry in this fashion.

By keeping the topics of your toast revolving around the distant past, no recent conflicts among kinfolk can possibly be related to your witty words.  What if there are obvious personality issues that would make a great joke?  Zip it and forget it popped into your mind.  This is not therapy, pastoral care, or conflict resolution, just a quick tribute.  Better to read a short poem, and announce why it reminded you of the bride or groom.  Poetry is very vague and abstract, which is the premium comfort zone for the friend who cannot take sides in a debate.  Wedding toasts and speeches need to be more neutral than Switzerland, with a complete lack of condemnation.

So put aside your bawdy jokes, sarcastic criticism, and fraternity/sorority stories.  Anything in the realm of "he said" or "she said" can be fraught with peril.  The microphone at a wedding reception is a dangerously powerful tool, and should be treated with the utmost respect.  Let your wishes to the bride and groom be known quickly and modestly.  Then please sit down, without further ado.