Talk Like A Winner Tip - Learn The Secrets To Saying No

Learning to say "no" is a skill that you need to develop in order to gain control over your time and your life. As the late business philosopher, Jim Rohn, so cleverly stated, "Don't overload your back with your mouth."

Sometimes we say "yes" to things that we don't want to do and end up wasting our time and energy. We do this in order to avoid conflict or hurt other people's feelings. After all, the person inviting you to something is usually trying to reach out to you in some positive way. But in the end, it is ourselves who are feeling the pain when we comply to something that we don't want to do.

Therefore, in an effort to gain an upper-hand in these kinds of delicate situations, I've laid out some ways to approach the subject of saying "no" in a more strategic and elegant manner. Here are a few situations where I chose to say "no" that have happened to me recently:

1. CHOOSING BETWEEN TWO THINGS YOU WANT: An old college friend invited me to a BBQ at his house on a Saturday evening. It wasn't convenient for me to do this since he lives 50 miles away from me. I also prefer to spend my Saturday afternoons playing volleyball with my local beach friends and drinking beer at a popular beachside hangout afterwards. So I had to figure out a nice way to say "no" to the BBQ event without hurting the feelings of my longtime buddy.

In this situation, I had to choose between two enjoyable events involving a dear friend. So the way I responded went something like this: "Todd, first of all thanks for the invitation and for thinking of me in the first place. It's always great to hear from you. And that certainly sounds like something fun and you know that I love barbeques. But I've got something else planned for that day and I'm going to have to say "no" right now. So don't save any ribs for me. But if anything changes, I'll be sure to call you up immediately. And again, thanks for thinking of me. Why don't we do a happy-hour later in the month?"

2. GETTING OUT OF SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT: My girlfriend Nora had a family get-together where the women in her family would likely sit around and talk for a few hours. Since Nora knows that I get bored at these family functions, she had to come up with an excuse for me not showing up. In this scenario, the object is to come up with a reasonable excuse whether it's true or not in order to appease her family and not make me look bad.

So her excuse went something like this: "Steve has to take his parents out to dinner that evening. While he said that he could probably come for an hour, I told him that he should just spend the extra time with his folks." This was a polite way of saying "no" by having a reasonable excuse that wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings or make me appear unfriendly.

3. THE HONEST APPROACH TO SAYING "NO": My friend Joel's social weapon of choice is to obligate people through invitations. If you didn't know him well, you'd think that he was being generous by reaching out to others. Joel also asks with extreme politeness making it hard to say "no" to him. But what seems like a unique gesture for the average person, this way of asking for compliance is just a way of doing things for Joel. I remember his days as a single guy asking women to dance which led to asking for dates. For a modest looking guy, Joel sure got more than his share of dates with good-looking women. Now that he's married, Joel uses his persuasive asking skills to get people to do things for him.

So last month when Joel invited me to attend his company's open-house, I said the following: "Joel, you know I'm your friend and want you to succeed in your business. But can I be totally honest with you (pause to get agreement). I hate going to these kinds of things because they make me feel really uncomfortable. So I'm going to pass on this. You know I could lie and make up an excuse, but in all honesty I just don't want to go. I hope that you can respect that. How about we do something else instead later this month?"

This approach is effective with people who know you well. If it is not someone that you know well, then they may think that you're a negative person or someone who really doesn't want to associate with you much. So be careful in using this direct approach to saying "no."

4. THE JAPANESE WAY OF SAYING "NO": Being of Japanese heritage, I've been conditioned to be very careful about saying "no" to someone. In many ways, it's like refusing a gift from someone and that will bring the element of shame upon the situation. So people of Japanese heritage will usually avoid using the word "no" and say instead that "it would be very difficult."

So adopting this kind of approach, a modern non-Japanese person could say "no" by saying something like: "I appreciate your kind gesture. But in my situation it would be very difficult for me to attend on that day. But if things change and I finish earlier than expected, I'll be sure to come by. And again, thanks for thinking of me and inviting me to your special event.

Learning to say "no" is an essential part of time management. It is also a sign of strength in which you empower yourself to do what is in your own best interests. But there is a good way and a bad way of doing this. The good way shows appreciation, respect, and honesty which will help you build stronger personal and professional relationships. However, a clumsy approach to saying "no" will more than likely upset the other person and have them doubting their future relationship with you.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Instead of saying "yes" to every invitation and obligate yourself to activities that you don't want to do, learn the secrets to saying "no" properly. That way, you can gain immediate control of your time and your life while still maintaining rapport in

Steve Nakamoto - "The Voice Of The Other Half"
 Ask Mr. Answer Man Relationship Expert
2-Time Writer's Digest Award-Winning Author
Author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man
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