Ellen Simonetti Stars In Second Episode Of Jacques

Feb 12


Tim Mack

Tim Mack

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"Get that shirt on Jacques, you've got a lady to pick up at the Air Port."


"Gonna be in the buff by this afternoon driving this broken down cab with a heater I can't turn off. Whats her name Fred?

"You're breaking my heart Jacques. Did you ever think of opening the window? Her name is Ellen Simonetti ."

"Is she a tall blonde with a great pair of legs."

"Yeah she is Jacques. How did you know."

"Saw her on TV the other day Fred. She's the first Flight Attendant to ever be fired for blogging."

"Whats blogging Jacques?"

"The word blog is derived from the word web log. They took the b from the end of the word web and then combined that letter b with the word log. So blog is kind of a hip way to say web log."

"Whats a weblog?"

"Never mind Fred. Don't think you'll understand. Lets just say its a little something they invented a little bit past your Pony Express days."

"I'll tell her you've got great abs so you don't have to keep your shirt off."

"Okay,Ellen Simonetti Stars In Second Episode Of Jacques Articles okay, I'm putting the shirt on now Fred. Tell her I'll be there in about five minutes."

Arriving at the Airport his waiting passenger asked,"are you the cab driver with the great abs?"

"What else did my dispatcher tell you about me,?" Jacques asked.

"Oh nothing much. He just mentioned that you slept with the librarian and your school teacher just to get an A."

"Gee, I mentioned that in confidence to one person, now I suppose its all over town. Anyway how have you been Ellen Simonetti ? I've seen you on the Today Show and on CNBC. I'm sorry that you were fired from your job as a Flight Attendant because of your blogging."

"Thank you Jacques. Its kind of you to say that. But I came here to forget about my troubles. My very good friend is getting married and I'm gonna be her Brides Maid. So I'm gonna just forget about Delta and TV and newspaper interviews for a few days and just be plain old Ellen Simonetti again."

"I understand Ellen. I think taking a break from it all is the best thing to do. Besides New England is beautiful this time of year. How are you fixed for cash?"

"I'm okay Jacques. I'm getting unemployment benefits at last. I just hope I can finish my book before the checks run out. I'm not happy about being on such a tight budget but I have no choice unless I take the offer to be a centerfold."

"Oh, so they did want you do a centerfold. Figured they would. It would of sold magazines but I'm sure you made the right decision."

"Just couldn't do it Jacques. Any way I wear white socks."

"White socks! I don't get it."

"Its kind of a Texas saying Jacques. Good girls wear white socks."

"Oh now I get it. Oh by the way Ellen would you like to make some quick easy money?"

"Sure I would Jacques, but just keep in mind that I wear white socks."

"Sure Ellen, it just so happens that I wear white socks too."

"Yeah, great Jacques, that gives me a lot of faith in you. You just slept with the librarian and your school teacher but you wear white socks. What are we talking about here? I don't deal drugs or rob banks either."

"No, no Ellen, nothing illegal. All you have to do is place a bet on a horse race. And its not on a ringer or anything like that."

"Whats a ringer Jacques?"

"A ringer is a horse disquised as another horse. Lets say you own a grey horse thats a top allowance grade horse and I own a cheap horse that runs for a low claiming tag. What we do is switch horses. The bettors think they're betting on my cheap claiming tag horse but he's really your allowance horse. Its getting harder to get away with this today because now they have more ways to identify horses but people still try it from time to time."

"So whats so special about this one horse race and why do you need me to place the bet?"

"My friend is a horse trainer Ellen. He's been secretly clocking Joisey Girl in the early morning before the clockers show up at the track. He figures that Joisey Girl is at least ten lengths better than the top contenders in the race. But if either one of us is spotted making a big bet on the horse the price will go down. Joisey Girl hasn't run in two years. She was hurt but she had surgery and my friend nursed her back to health. She figures to go off about seventy to one if no one gets wise."

"How much do you want me to bet on it Jacques?"

"I only have five hundred dollars that I saved for my rent to bet. I'll give you one hundred dollars worth of the bet just for putting it in. Just walk up to the five hundred dollar win window two minutes before the race goes off and say one ticket on number seven."

"But what if it loses Jacques? Then how will you pay your rent?"

"Its no big deal Ellen. If Joisey Girl loses I'll just have to sleep with my land lady again. She'd much rather have me sleep with her than give her the rent money any way."

"Sleep with you're land lady again! You're putting me on about your land lady. Right?"

"No, thats the deal we made. She said five hundred a month or I sleep with her on rent day. But she wanted a three month security deposit, so I had to sleep with her three times because I didn't have the fiveteen hundred for the security deposit."

"Take off that shirt Jacques. I want to see if your abs are worth five hundred dollars a month free rent. And I'm gonna take pictures to show my friends in Texas if they are."

"Okay Ellen, I'm taking off my shirt but I don't want to see those pictures ending up in Play Girl or something. Remember, I wear white socks."

"Damn, I'm snapping. Those abs are worth a thousand a month rent. Hey take of some more Jacques. Maybe I could sell the pictures to Play Girl."

"Okay Ellen stop snapping where here. Got to put my shirt back on now. Just remember to play it cool. If anyone asks you why you're betting number seven just say its your lucky number and act like you really don't care if it loses."

"Okay I'll do it Jacques. Any way seven is my lucky number. I've got ten dollars of wild money. So I'm gonna play a seven and seven daily double for my self."

"I was going to leave right after the first race Ellen. After all, I am supposed to be providing a cab service. But okay, put your double in. Maybe its a winner."

"Thanks Jacques, I feel lucky today. And you're right. It is a picture perfect day today. New England is really a beautiful place."

"There she is Ellen. Joisey Girl is walking out on the track now."

"She's a beauty Jacques. Hope she runs as good as she looks."

"I'm gonna head down to the finish line. See ya there after you get the bet in Ellen."

"You've got it Jacques, the finish line is my favorite place at the track also."

Ellen returned with the five hundred dollar win ticket on Joisey Girl and then the track announcer announced "their in the gate."

"Are you nervous Jacques? You've got a lot riding on this race."

"A little nervous Ellen. I found the most beautiful property in the world that I want to buy, but I can only buy it if Joisey Girl comes through for me."

"Will you show me the property if she wins?"

"Sure Ellen. I'd be glad to. They're off. Oh, Joisey Girl got bumbed by two horses leaving the gate. She's back on track now but she lost a lot of ground."

"How much ground did she lose about Jacques?"

"I'd say she lost about ten lengths of ground being bumbed like that."

"Then she could still win Jacques. You're friend said she's at least ten lenghts better than the top contenders."

"Yeah, she could still win Ellen, but she can't make any mistakes. Wow, she just made a bold move in the center of the track. She's only four lenghts away from the leader. Now dead even. Oh damn, the jockey lost the whip. Their nose and nose. Neither one yielding. Here's the wire. Too close to call."

"Do you think she made it Jacques?"

"I really can't say for sure Ellen. I know its a nose job. But I can't tell whose nose got there first. The judges are calling for a print."

"Whats a print Jacques?"

"When the judges aren't sure what horse won they ask for a blow up picture of them crossing the finish line. Seven, they just put seven up Ellen, we won."

"How much did we win Jacques?

"They just made it offical now and put the price up Ellen. Joisey Girl paid one hundred and forty two dollars for every two dollar ticket. So you had a hundred dollars on her, so thats one hundred and forty two dollars times fivety and I get one hundred and forty two dollars times two hundred. Thats enough and more to buy the property I want. Lets cash the tickets in and have a drink."

"Okay Jacques, but just make my drink a coke, a coke with a double shot of bourbon that is."

"Here's your money Ellen and thanks for putting the bet in. And hey you still have a ten dollar double going. The seven and seven double is paying fourteen hundred dollars for every two dollar ticket."

"Thanks Jacques and cheers."

"Cheers Ellen."

"They're going in the gate for the second race Jacques. There they go. My number seven Texas Sweetie went right to the front. Go Texas Sweetie, go, go, go. Texas Swettie has opened a five length lead, now seven. Keep opening Texas Swettie, take some more real estate honey."

"She's got a good lead Ellen but the closers are starting to make their moves now. She's down to four lengths now but they're at the eigth pole. I say she hangs on. A sixteenth of a mile to go and she's still in front by three. The five horse is charging hard late, but here comes the wire. Texas Swettie hangs on to win by a half a length. Cash your tickets and lets walk out of here as big winners. Doesn't get any better than this."

"Okay, cashed the tickets Jacques. Where to now?"

"How bout a few songs at the Piano Bar to celebrate, then I'll show you that property. Do you still sing?"

"Just once in a while. I haven't felt much like singing since Delta fired me for blogging. Why do you ask?

"I wrote a little song I thought you might want to sing at the Piano Bar. Its a sort of political song. I thought you might get a kick out of it. I just jotted it down for you while you were cashing your tickets."

"The song looks interesting Jacques. I sing and play piano. I think I have the perfect piano tune for this."


"Realy Jacques. Think you have something hear. Order me a steak and I'll try this out on the piano while were waiting for our order."

"Okay, let me introduce you. Hi everyone, we have a special treat this afternoon from Austin Texas. Ellen Simonetti is going to sing "Got The Red State Blues."

I'm living in a red state

But I'm feeling blue

Don't know how it happened

But I woke up blue

My Daddy was in a union when Texas was blue

But ever since Texas turned red on me

There was no union job for me

I'm living in a red state

Yeah I'm feeling blue

Got fired for blogging

Now I'm seeing red

With no union job I wasn't making much

But I was still the best that I could be

I did my job and never complained

Then my Mom passed

I tried to kill the pain

I took up blogging

Just to ease my pain

But didn't mention any names

I blogged out of Quirksville

Called it Annomymous Airlines

Just talked bout my travels

Till one day the phone rang

They said I was suspended

Something about blogging in uniform

Just didn't make any sense to me

But when you're living in a red state

Oh its just so blue

No union to represent you

Oh that door can slam hard

But what did I do wrong

I really don't know

But I'm living in a red state

Oh yeah, I've got the blues

Ellen finished her song to thunderous claps.

"You did great Ellen, but why are you crying?"

"I'm crying Jacques over the fact that you could write a song like this in five minutes and still be such a slut. Give up women Jacques and just write."

"But Ellen, what would I have to write about if I gave up women?"

"You don't have to give them all up Jacques. Just cut it down to a parade of one. In fact I'm going to introduce you to someone today that would be perfect for you. She really is a good girl. And she'll be worth you're waiting."

"Maybe you're right Ellen. I guess I have been a bit of a slut lately. I've been with three different women in three days now. Its getting harder to seem sincere. Introduce me to your friend. I need someone that may see me as more than just a good time roll in the hay. But first I want to show you that property I'm going to buy."

"Oh yeah, the property, I do want to see it."

"Okay, lets go then if you're ready Ellen."

They drove through the valley passing by several lakes and then heard the sound of thundering water falls.

"This is it Ellen.