THE TALKING STICK

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SUBJECT: Relationships, Family, & Communication

WORD COUNT: 890 including bylines

Have you ever heard of a Talking Stick? I hadn't until two
days ago when my husband presented me with one! "Okay..." I
thought, "Is this supposed to be some joke about me talking
too much or what?" But then he continued his presentation
saying, "Honey, I know that sometimes you think I'm not
listening to you. I have to admit, sometimes you're right.
But you are the love of my life, and even when I'm
distracted, I always want you to be my first priority.
That's why I made this for you...I give you this Talking Stick
as a symbol of my commitment to always put you first, no
matter what. If there's ever a time when you don't think I'm
paying attention to you, or if you think I'm ignoring
something important...just pick up this Talking Stick. I
promise to listen, without interruption, while you tell me
what's on your mind." Wow! What woman wouldn't love that? A
promise of undivided attention any time we want it! Does
this man realize what he has just done?

I came to discover that the Talking Stick has been used for
centuries by many American Indian tribes as a means of just
and impartial hearing. The stick was commonly used in
council circles to designate who had the right to speak.
Whoever holds the Talking Stick within his hands has the
power of words. When matters of great concern came before
the council, the leading elder would hold the stick and
begin the discussion. When he finished what he had to say he
would hold out the stick, and whoever wished to speak after
him would take it. In this manner the stick was passed from
one individual to another until anyone who wished to speak
had done so. The stick was then passed back to the leading
elder for safekeeping. It carries respect for free speech
and assures the speaker that he has the freedom and power to
say what is in his heart without fear of reprisal or
humiliation.

So how does this Talking Stick effect our relationships? A
major difference between vibrant marriages and those that
end in divorce is the way the couples communicate...the way
they handle disagreements and hurts. In healthy marriages,
disagreements are handled as they occur by discussing the
situation until both partners are satisfied with the result
or some compromise has been agreed upon. Nothing kills a
relationship and romance like "mud-slinging" screaming
matches or attempts to punish with the "silent treatment."
This is where the Talking Stick really works its magic! I
know of at least one marriage counselor who uses the Talking
Stick as part of her marriage therapy techniques.

But also imagine what positive effects this form of
communication could have on family relations as well! Take
my family for example: I have three children, ages 2, 5, &
14. The teenager is convinced that NO ONE listens to him,
the toddler MAKES SURE that everyone listens to her, and the
5-year-old desperately tries to have his views heard above
the other two! It's quite the circus some days! Now that we
have the Talking Stick, EVERYONE will be heard. And
hopefully all family members will begin to feel like their
opinions are being heard and really do count. I think it
will be a great family communication tool.

Please visit http://www.acaciart.com/stories/archive6.html
if you'd like to read more about the history of the Talking
Stick and some of the symbolism behind the items used in
making one. There is also a picture of what one might look
like.

By now, you may be inspired to make your own Talking Stick
for your family. Go for it! Be creative! My husband used
ideas from the article above and added different types of
beads to symbolize each family member and some other
personal symbolism that only our family would appreciate. He
also typed out a "story" explaining the history of the stick
and included the meanings of all the symbolism he used to
create it. One of my favorite parts is, "The fork in the
stick represents disagreement which is natural between
different members of any tribe. The fork is short and ends
sharply to remind us that a solution to all conflict is
possible and need not end in a lonely journey for any member
of the tribe." The main idea is that it is made with love
and out of respect for the family unit.

We have our stick hung in a prominent area of our house for
all guests to see and the "story" is framed beside it. Quite
a conversation piece!

As for my husband...I'd have to say that he really outdid
himself on this project. I never would have believed that
receiving a STICK could mean so much. I'd like to share with
you the final sentences from his story, "The Talking Stick
is given from the loving heart of the tribe leader. This
token of love is so that every tribal member remains
together until the sun sets for the last time on our day.
The love of an eagles flight, Chief Phillip!"