Welcome to my stress-free world

Welcome to my stress-free world
By David Leonhardt

What the world needs more of is...stress.

Sadly, I must deliver a formal apology to all 17,124 subscribers to my newsletter, A Daily Dose of Happiness, for running a series on stress reduction tips and wasting their time in such a frivolous fashion, when they could be using that time to watch the all-oatmeal channel, polish their medicine cabinet shelves or mow the shag rug.

I've noticed lately that the world is undergoing a severe stress shortage. Consider a few facts.

The US election is showcasing two perfect human beings, courageous leaders, generous to a fault, humble and eager to work with one another to create a heaven on earth...and in Iraq (Where else would one find Heaven?).

The European Union is proving to be the very model of cooperation as France eagerly removes the yolk of tax oppression, suggested by Poland, to cut its 0.02% unemployment even further.

Osama Bin Laden has issued an ultimatum, warning all terrorists that he will personally pour their choice of vanilla soda or egg nog on anyone thinking nasty thoughts.

And Hugh Hefner has been working tirelessly with young boys to help them understand the value of celibacy before marriage.

That's just the world. I have noticed around my own home that 3-year-old Little Lady gets dressed all by herself, and so does Little Sister.

Lately, I have been able to find everything I am looking for immediately, never having to look in the fridge for, say, my razor.

Nothing seems to break down anymore, (especially not the water pump, the satellite TV signal, the electric screwdriver, the car battery, the calking around the front window, or my nervous system). This computer just doesn't want to crash anymore.

And I just can't get the #@$&*% toast to burn anymore!

Best of all, my wife and I agree on everything, including how to raise our children, even what we would do if one of them in her teenage years declares herself to be an alien implant on Earth, sent on a search and destroy mission for all fast food on the planet. We even agree on whether the cauliflower and broccoli should be overcooked or not (It should not!)

In this perfect world, there is no need for the stress reduction tips I shared with my subscribers from the book "Why Make Yourself Crazy?"

I must state for the record that I do not need a reason to make myself crazy. This is a free country and I can make myself crazy if I want to.

I am deeply contrite for having suggested to my subscribers that they might need a reason to make themselves crazy. Many of them live in free countries, too. They do not need a reason to make themselves crazy, either, so they do not need stress reduction tips

For example, there is no need for my readers to get more out of life by doing less.

To start with, this is a ridiculous concept. We all know that the more you put into anything, the more you get out of it. For instance, if Bridget Jones had not put that blue string in the pot, all she would have had was soup.

I say, cram your agenda. Cram. Cram. Cram. Put as much as you can into life, so you can gets lots out of it. Never mind wasting your time eating, sleeping or showering...OK, maybe showering, but get as much done as you can today. You would not want to die with windows unwashed now, would you?

And isn't it ridiculous to try to do one thing at a time and do it well? That is such a waste of time. As a parent, I already do one thing at a time.

In fact, I usually do many one things at a time...like carrying a box from the basement to the second floor...oops, better stop to clean up the spill on the rug before it sets, and...uh, oh, gotta get Little Lady off of Little Sister before my box-carrying gets interrupted by a hospital visit...come back here Little Sister...oops, that might be the important call I was waiting for...now where did I leave the phone...Little Lady don't go upstairs by yourself...

The problem is that you just cannot schedule crises and emergencies consecutively. They operate on a herd mentality. And herds have nothing to worry about, so they don't have stress. Welcome to my stress-free world.