Sorry No More

Do you find yourself  saying “I’m sorry” too often at work?  Have you  noticed a pattern of prefacing feedback or sharing of your ideas with an “I’m  sorry, but?” Clients often come to me noticing their overuse of this phrase and  the negative impact it has on their professional stature.  What place does saying “I’m sorry” have in  the workplace?

Words Matter

The  words that you communicate with tell more than just your message.  These words also tell others about you and  how you interact with your world.  Here  are some examples of the potential negative impact of over-apologizing:

 
• Tom works in an advertising agency where he was hired for his creativity  and cutting-edge ideas.  At brainstorming  meetings, he often sits back while colleagues share ideas.  He waits until he’s ready to share what he  believes is something more powerful, creative and meaningful.  When he presents his perspective, he always  begins by saying, “I’m sorry guys, but what do you think of this idea?”             Tom is consistently frustrated because his great  ideas never get any traction.  Tom feels  the need to apologize because he’s not agreeing with the ideas of the group and  yet, the group doesn’t spend time on Tom’s possibilities as he hesitantly  presents an alternative viewpoint.  Tom’s  colleagues shut down their focus after they hear “I’m sorry, but” as they’re  assuming the content is a mistake.
   
• Rebecca, an IT Manager with a team of five direct reports, starts most  of her conversations or emails with “I’m sorry.”  It may be “I’m sorry to bother you,”  “I’m sorry that I need you to do this,” or  “I’m sorry to disagree with you.”  She is  a highly competent IT professional.  She  can’t understand why her staff often leaves her projects and request to work  with other managers.  Her team members  also leave the company at a higher level than any other manager.            Rebecca’s direct reports have no confidence in her  ability to stand up for them when it comes time to granting bonus pay and  promotions.  They feel that since she  can’t be direct with them, she must  not be direct with her peers and supervisors.   She has no credibility as an assertive and confident advocate.

Impact or Lack Thereof

From  the above examples, the overuse of “sorry” has significant repercussions.  In Tom’s situation, his ideas are minimized.   The message is lost by the  way the messenger delivers it.  Although his ideas are very good, most of his  colleagues tune them out.  If Tom  apologizes for his own ideas, why should anyone else bother to listen?

Rebecca’s  constant apologetic tone causes her direct reports to make the assumption that  she is unable to be assertive in situations that impact them - therefore, they  prefer not to have her as their leader.  Others  equate frequent apologizing with passivity.   If she doesn’t stand up for herself, how will she stand up for anyone  else?

Over-apologizing  results in diminishing your impact and influence, a perceived lack of  self-confidence, minimized expectations that others have of you, and also  creates a general energy drain for those around you.  If you find yourself in the role of  apologizer more than you’d like, you can change.

When to Apologize

Not  all apologizing is detrimental.  If you  bump in to a colleague in the hallway, by all means, say you’re sorry.  If you make a mistake on a project, hurt  someone’s feelings, forget an important appointment, or do something that you  believe was genuinely wrong, do apologize.

In  Marshall Goldsmiths’ book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There, he says  apologizing is a “magic move.”  When you  use it to address a genuine wrongdoing, Goldsmith believes it moves a  professional relationship towards change and growth.  Apologizing enables a stagnant and ineffective  working relationship to focus on the future and results, instead of the past  and resentment.  Unfortunately, not all  apologetic language is this meaningful or valuable in professional  relationships.  

Banish Sorry

The  first step in changing your language and behavior is becoming aware of your  actions.  Over the span of a week or two,  pay attention to when you say “I’m sorry” unnecessarily.  Note what you’re doing and how you’re feeling  each time it occurs.  You’ll likely see  patterns – it may happen when you’re running meetings, when you’re with a  specific person that you’re not comfortable with, when you’re under  deadline-related stress, or when you’re required to request something of  others.

Once  you notice the pattern, look to replace “I’m sorry” with more powerful and  appropriate language for the situation or address the greater concern that is  causing you to question your ability. 

In  Tom’s case, he was using “I’m sorry” instead of providing more direct feedback  to his colleagues and out of concern of hurting anyone’s feelings.  Once he realized his colleagues valued his  unique perspective and that they wanted their ideas challenged, he began  speaking more directly and assertively. 

For  Rebecca, she discovered something she was not expecting.  Her pattern showed that she only apologized  in relation to her role as supervisor.   She rarely used an apologetic tone or phrase when she was working  confidently with her technical skills and never in her personal life. 

She  realized that she did not like or want the responsibilities of a manager.  She most enjoyed her role as a technical  subject matter expert and did not want to be ‘the boss.’  With this new insight, she was able to  transition to a more appropriate role for her, allowing for new leadership for  her team.

One  last thing to consider – sometimes “I’m sorry” loses its meaning to the speaker  and just becomes a verbal placeholder or a shorthand phrase for something else  (like “excuse me,” “may I have your  attention,” “I don’t agree” or “what did you say?”).  If this is the case, you may not be aware of the  negative impact of your words. The remedy for this is to pause before you  speak.  Allow yourself time to begin your  statements in a more powerful and meaningful way, only a few seconds will allow  your mind space to reformulate the structure of your reply.

Removing  “I’m sorry” from your vocabulary, except when genuinely needed for forgiveness  and atonement purposes, creates a more confident and competent perception.  Make the change and see the results.