The Value of Experience in Relationships

The Dilemma of Relationship Experience

A reader writes to Dr. Neder, expressing concerns about having been in a relationship with his girlfriend since high school and questioning whether he has missed out on valuable experiences by not dating others.

Reader's Query:

Dr. Neder,

I have been dating my girlfriend for over 5 years, starting in my senior year of high school and her junior year. I've graduated from college, and she is about to. She is the only girl I have dated. I've always had girls as friends but never had relationships with them. I'm not interested in someone right now, but I find myself attracted to some of her friends and other girls I meet. I wonder if I've missed out on anything by not having dated more and had more relationships. I love my girlfriend and wonder if I should consider myself lucky for finding her when I did in life?

Thank you.

Dr. Neder's Response:

Hello!

Firstly, by staying with your girlfriend for the last 5 years, you've indeed missed out on some experiences, but you've also gained others. The real question is which side of the balance is more favorable?

If this is the only girl you're ever going to be with for the rest of your life, then you're in good shape, having become an expert on her. However, this also means you haven't learned much about the vast range of women's dynamics, which can't be fully understood from books alone but require personal experience.

Had you asked me 5 years ago whether to enter a long-term relationship with this girl, I would have advised against it. You would miss out on too much, especially during college, where each girl you meet could provide a unique educational experience.

Just as you wouldn't spend your entire college career in one class, you need a variety of subjects to be successful in your chosen field. I can't tell you whether to break up with your girlfriend, as I don't know you, her, or the relationship. But you will always wonder what you missed out on. If you're unsure, consider downsizing or ending the relationship to gain the experiences you've missed. If you're sure, refocus on the relationship, understanding that attraction to others is natural, but your commitment is what matters.

Best regards...

The Importance of Diverse Relationship Experiences

The analogy of college education is particularly apt when discussing relationship experience. Just as a well-rounded education involves exposure to a variety of subjects, a well-rounded understanding of relationships can benefit from diverse experiences. According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, individuals who have had varied relationship experiences tend to have a better understanding of themselves and what they want in a partner (SAGE Journals).

Key Considerations:

• Self-Discovery: Dating different people can lead to a deeper understanding of one's preferences, values, and deal-breakers.
• Social Skills: Engaging with various partners can enhance communication and conflict resolution skills.
• Resilience: Experiencing breakups and the end of relationships can build emotional resilience and coping mechanisms.

However, it's essential to balance the pursuit of experience with the value of a committed relationship. The National Survey of Family Growth found that the median number of opposite-sex partners for men is seven, while for women, it's four (CDC). This suggests that while some level of experience is common, there is a wide range of what individuals consider "enough" before settling down.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the decision to seek more relationship experience is deeply personal and depends on individual values and goals. While there are benefits to gaining diverse experiences, they must be weighed against the potential loss of a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. It's a choice that requires introspection and honest assessment of one's needs and desires.