Relationships often become tense and ugly when you discover that your partner isn't the person you had originally imagined. That is because your selector is in your unconscious, and goes for something familiar based on your family experiences. Unfortunately that puts you in a position of trying to complete unfinished family business rather than forging a true and satisfying union with a new person. Making yourself see your partner through a more realistic prism will be the best way for you to succeed.
The search is exciting, but the catch is disappointing. Recognize that experience? When you interact with a potential partner your internal monitor searches for features that match items on your conscious checklist like appearance, status, and humor. But your unconscious is making a different search. It is looking for someone that resembles key figures in your life with whom you have unresolved issues. Guess which part of you makes the final choice. Yes, it is the unconscious. Your internal radar instantly matches some characteristics of a potential partner with a template you have inside. That pattern may have features that belonged to a parent, grandparent, sibling, teacher or anyone that has some special significance for you. That includes relationships with absent, deceased, unavailable or abusive relatives.
Andrew is an intelligent and sensitive man was the butt of his father’s frustration and yelling. It would literally kill off his spirit. He felt he could never please his parents. He was attracted to a girl who was lively, had similar interests and seemed open. Within a short while he found that she yelled and judged him as being in the wrong, just like his father. Her couldn’t please her and was scared of losing her.
Stephanie is terrified that she cannot make a man interested in her. She is constantly let down, disappointed and heartbroken when relationships break off after short times, when the men flirt with others, or move on with their lives, leaving her behind. Her deepest wish is to be the only person in the world for her partner, and acted in ways to demand that. When a boyfriend wanted to do something without her she experienced it as a deep wound and unforgivable betrayal.
Both Andrew and Stephanie are viewing their partners through the lens of their personal needs and compulsion to get those needs acknowledged and attended to. Their relationships are therefore made on a corrupt basis, and are not likely to succeed. The same pattern of agony and ecstasy repeats in an unfulfilling cycle with future relationships.
What Do You Seek In A Partner That You Can’t Find?
* A universal accepting person who will take you on despite your imperfections
* A mirror image of yourself so you can feel complete
* Someone who can give you by default all the things you didn’t get as a child, and demand thereafter
* Someone who will fill the empty void that aches for constant reassurance
* A person who will demonstrate by choosing you and rejecting the world that you are important
* Someone who is ‘together’ and strong enough to handle life when it is too much for you
* An angel who knows how you feel without having to be told
* Someone who has enough room for you to hitch a life with, by becoming part of theirs
Maximizing Your Chances Of Creating a Successful Partnership
* Allow and respect your partner’s wishes and needs to do things separate from you. Let your partner breathe and your relationship will flourish.
* Begin to have a relationship with yourself that makes you a real person.- with opinions and preferences
*Accept your own values, passions, fears and weak points. The mix is what makes you interesting and unique. No one wants to date a perfect automaton who never messes up.
* Value what is unique about yourself and project that image.
* When you catch yourself trying to please and choking off your own desires, stop and ask yourself why you want to kill yourself off in order to be loved. If you are dead, who is going to be loved?
*Give yourself permission to ‘live’ and enjoy yourself. Waiting for another person to complete you is putting undue responsibility on a potential partner, and isn’t their job.
*When your buttons get pushed, ask yourself what prior experience it is triggering. Address the original event, not the trigger.
* Keep a good reservoir of energy, respect and love for yourself. If you give it all away in the hope that you will be taken care of in return, you are going to feel empty, angry and unlovable.
*Keep a reality check dialogue going with a partner about whether both of you feel seen and heard for what and who you really are.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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