Marriage Minded?

Dear Dr. Neder:

I would really like to know, how to get my boyfriend to really figure out what he wants to do? To help him get ready to take things to the next level, or not. I am ready for marriage and ready for the whole nine yards with him, but he just seems too comfortable and scared to move forward with things. Basically, what can I do to help him really realize what he has, and take this relationship more seriously?

Hello!

You may be ready for marriage, but he's obviously not!

The first thing to consider is this: marriage means something very different for you (as a woman) and for him (as a man.) Whereas you view marriage as many positive things; security, future, family, love, status, success, etc.; he views it as many negative things: stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, responsibility, having a business partner to coordinate all decisions, etc.

How do I know he sees marriage that way? Easy: the vast majority of men do!

You see marriage as taking things to the next level whereas he sees it as the end of something he enjoys now.

I'm going to tell you how to change this attitude, but let's examine one more thing first: why are you focused on marriage in the first place?

The realities of marriage are this:

* Marriage is not the relationship; it's a FORMAT for a relationship. So is living together, dating, dating exclusively and about 1001 other formats.

* Marriage rarely makes the relationship better - in fact, over 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce - a situation where you'll come out far, far better than he will. Knowing those odds alone should make him want to avoid all that pain.

* Knowing that you want to get married (I'm sure he does know this by the way) also means that you're motivated to continue to contribute to the relationship. In the vast majority of cases, as soon as the wedding is over, women often stop contributing to their relationships in the same way they did before the marriage. After all, you now have what you wanted, and the guy is stuck anyway. Often sex ends (or certain sex practices end), women gain weight, pressure to buy homes and decorate them in certain ways start, and pressure to have kids becomes the focus - not the quality of the relationship itself.

Honestly, with all this considered, I'm surprised that men get married at all these days!

So, I promised to tell you how to convince him to agree to marry you. If you're still focused on this regardless of what I've said, here's how you do it:

You get to work discovering what your boyfriend really wants from his relationship with you. What are the "golden rings" of the relationship to him? Is it sex? Is it closeness? Is it not being alone? Unlike the discovery you've done so far, you need to really learn from a deep, personal, intimate way, what benefits he gets and what new benefits he's looking for.

Second, you then simply need to become that woman to him!

Consider this: if he was getting everything he could ever imagine in his relationship with you, do you think he'd ever risk losing all of that? Of course not! He'd be on his knee in an instant!

The problem is that he either isn't getting what he believes he wants with you (regardless of what he tells you - his actions speak volumes here) or he believes his benefits will go away; rather than continue, after marriage.

If you can become the woman he can't live without, you'll have your marriage. It's that simple.

Best regards...

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Copyright (c) 2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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