Put a smile on your face with online dating

There she stood, frozen in the bright purple glow of her LCD screen with blocky shapes moving across her face like Tetris meets the Bolshoi. Her eyes appear simultaneously wide and squinting, the pupils dilated beneath drying eyelids that leave only the faintest crack of vision, yet still she concentrates and tries to process what she has just discovered. The lips are as pursed as a cat’s anus decrying the sheer tension that is building up inside of her, boiling over like vegetables as it hits home; YOU CAN DO ONLINE DATING IN CANADA FOR FREE NOW.

                Once the information had settled into her cortex, lobes and cells the mouth loosened up into a slack-jawed tunnel of rancid saliva that reminded her to quit smoking as soon as this nightmare was over. In a trance that echoed an extra from some lost George Romero flick she slowly pushed her chair out and – still staring blankly into the middle distance – she dismounted from her posturific office chair into a position that vaguely resembled a stand to attention before decamping to the kitchenette to make tea. As the kettle boiled she reached into her pocket to grab the shining new smartphone and open that online banking app she recently downloaded.

                Skimming her finger over the warm glass surface through the past six months of outgoings was a painful and dizzying experience; $46.31, $92.62, $185.24 and it kept on adding up. The amount she had spent one her subscription to getadate.ca was astronomical and after more than half a year the results were still minimal and considering the amount of dates  that have come out of it she might as well have threw it on  the fire along with her love life. Her ex-husband was hard to get rid of but money was even more so.

                The whistle and click of the kettle snapped her out of the swimming feeling in her head and as if by a thunder bolt she had an epiphany that changed her whole outlook. With a renewed vigour that can only come from the sort of divine intervention usually reserved for the movies she ran upstairs, took a shower, put her make-up and her best LBD on and sat back down in front of the computer. She typed ‘free online dating canada’ into the search engine and began the rest of her life with a smile on her face.

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