Save Your Marriage And Improve Yourself!

Many people set out to learn how to save their marriage.  But
they forget the greatest tool they have:  themselves!  Oh, sure,
there are relationship issues that must be addressed.  But
where do you start?  My answer:  yourself.

Bart came into my office this week, stuck again.  Just to be fair,
this was not his first marriage crisis.  He and his wife had been
to the brink of divorce several times.  Each time, they had
stepped back from the edge.

This time, I was not so sure.  His wife, Sue, was adamant that
she had had enough.  Over time, she had tired of the promises
of change, the short times of change, then the resuming of
destructive patterns.

Over the years, Bart had loudly proclaimed that he had realized
the err of his ways, and was ready to change.  He would act
differently, at least for a little while.  But really, he was not
different.  He had not really changed.

So, here we were again, working hard to hold onto a marriage
that had been to the edge before, trying to keep them from
taking that leap into the abyss of divorce.  Would we be able to
thwart it again?

One thing was different.  And it was a starting point.  Bart
realized something about himself that he had long ignored and
denied.  Bart was controlling.  Overtly and covertly, Bart tried
hard to make his world go the way he wanted his world to go. 
Only problem was, his wife was caught up in that world.  His
world was invading her world.  And she had simply had enough.

Did Sue have some areas she might want to change? 
Absolutely!  You see, we all do.  And when someone is in a
controlling relationship, at some point, they got into the role of
being controlled.  Perhaps she had allowed this to happen to
avoid conflict.  Or perhaps it was easier to do this than to make
her own decisions.  Either way, it didn't matter.  She allowed
herself to be controlled, and Bart gladly controlled.

One day, Bart asked, "why do I have to be the one to change? 
She needs to change, too."   My answer is one of pragmatics,
"Bart, you are here, wanting to save your marriage.  Your wife
is not, and she is willing to call it quits.  That means it is up to
you.  You can either stomp your feet and tell me how it is unfair,
or you can change.  The choice is yours."

Bart quieted, and worked on making his changes. 

This proved to be a bit difficult.  The reason is not because he is
not capable of the change.  The reason is because Bart went
from working on changing to proving he was changing.  That
was a problem.  Can you see it?

Very simply, Bart began to work to control his world, so that his
wife would see he was not being controlling.  In other words,
he was using his defense mechanism to prove he did not have
a defense mechanism.  We all do that.

Behaviors are there because they worked for us at one time. 
Problem is, they stop working and start creating problems.  Our
old behavior in a new world trip us up.  Where did we learn the
behavior?  Childhood.  Where does it fail us?  Adulthood.  Ouch!

If you want to save your marriage, the first thing you want to
do is get into a growth mindset.  Don't trap yourself into feeling
stuck!  We humans have a great capacity for growth and
change, but we quickly forget it.

First step:  face the fact that a)  you have things that you can
change, regardless of what is happening in your marriage, and
b) you have the capacity for change, growth, and improvement.

Second step:  reflect on what your spouse has been telling you. 
Write down at least 5 recurring themes or issues your spouse
keeps naming as problems.  Don't add "yeah, but. . . ."  Just
write them down and accept that they just MIGHT be true.

Third step:  reflect on that list.  If there are some that you
simply disagree with (not just deny because you would hate to
admit it), then mark a line through them.  Don't scribble them
out, as you might just return to them and see they are more
true than you would like to admit.

Fourth step:  make a list of how you might change each of the
themes or issues.  Where can you start RIGHT NOW? 
Anywhere is better than nowhere.  So start there.

Fifth step:  make it a daily habit to reflect on who you want to
be, and what you are doing to get there.  Don't wait and think
you will do this later.  Change takes effort and time.  It took
you a while to become who you are, and it will take some time
to recreate yourself.

Sixth step:  give yourself some room for "relapses."  You don't
turn yourself around overnight.  It will take some time.  But one
day, you will look back and wonder about that person you had
become -- and be glad you have become someone better!

Seventh step:  DON'T set out to prove how you have changed. 
Simply be the change.  It will be noticed.  Trying to prove
something makes you act.  So simply BE the change.

A final note:  just because you are now working on yourself
doesn't mean you should ignore the relationship piece. 
Discover how you can transform the marriage while you are
working on yourself.  Then, you will be doing both pieces: 
changing yourself and changing your relationship.