Sugar and Spice and Things Not So Nice

It is not just me with this opinion. Sure, it would be up for question coming from a mother of two boys, but when my friends and acquaintances with female children agree, I feel utter validation. They, too, are astonished with the amount of cockiness that their daughters exhibit when compared to their male siblings. And, let me tell you, one little sweetheart by herself can be bad enough; add more and it can get worse. It does not matter if they are age two, twelve or twenty.

One of my encounters came shortly after the beginning of the school year. After dropping my son off at class one day, I took a few moments to observe the interaction of two tables of 1st graders. One table was filled with about six boys and the other table seated four girls. The peaceful mealtime silence was broken with the old adage “girls go to college to get more knowledge; boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” Now, I remember this saying, but in my day it certainly was not used to initiate a verbal attack upon unsuspecting boys eating their lunch. What surprised me was the boys’ humbled presentation during the melodic assault – heads down and eyes diverted. I caught a glimpse of one boy flashing a half-glance in their direction, only to quietly resume his eating. The girls did not relent. The tone of their voice became increasingly taunting. They sang it again; and, as I proceeded toward the parking lot, they sang it yet again. Where was the provocation? From what I saw, beginning to end, there was none.

It is not just interactions with the opposite sex that I notice the attitude. Girls also seem to be more condescending to one another. “So-ooooo” is a common response to a friend’s acclaim of good fortune and is commonly followed by a revelation of something so much better than the preceding accomplishment. Case in point, a friend of mine has a daughter in the 4th grade. She was excited to have reached her five year tenure in ballet. She brought her trophy to share with the class and two other girls were quick to point out they not only had the same trophy, but even more awards that substantiated their far advanced dancing skills. Another quick anecdote involves my friend’s seven year old daughter who takes gymnastics. When her classmate discovered her interest, she arrogantly inquired to the mother (not the girl, mind you) “is she in the advanced class?”

I do not mean to pick on little girls, and I know that all children go through phases. As well, do not mistake my offended nature of the boldness with a prudish character. In school I would have much more likely been found in the middle of a fight rather than a sewing circle. Nevertheless, it seems to me that today’s girls are missing out on something. Remember the saying that you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. There is a thick line between being our best and being better than someone else. This principle can encompass life in general. The sense of satisfaction we feel when we have surpassed our best surely beats clawing and scratching our way through others simply to prove ourselves superior. Either way we may or may not win. But, in beating our own best, we stay focused over that which we have control – ourselves; and not external factors – impending sources of perpetual frustration. And, do not forget that you will make far less enemies in the process.

As parents, these are the lessons that we must teach our children, boys included. You do not have to be the best at every sport, the loudest at every debate nor the most academic in the classroom. There will be plenty of competition as your children grow. Why not let them enjoy childhood without the pressure to always reign supreme amongst their peers? Blocked obstacles breed hostility and guilt, especially when it involves the fear of disappointing a parent with high expectations. I cannot help but think that sometimes the aggressiveness I see in these potentially good-natured little girls comes not from a pre-determined genetic slate, but instead, the programming from a disgruntled parent who has yet to come to terms with insecurities resulting from their own perceived inadequacies as a child.