When it comes to your aging parents: Are You a CareGiver or a CareTaker?

Midlife with aging parents can be a blessing. Or, it can be a totally exhausting challenge. How is it for you? How is it for them? Do you care? Do you give care? Do you take care? Do you care, and take back?

I’m really not playing a word game with you. This is very serious.

If you’re involved in any way, shape, or form in the care of your aging or elderly parents, the questions are these:

- Do you give freely of yourself, your care, your time, your service . . or, Do you expect something in return?

- Are you a care-giver? Or, are you a care-taker?

There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s all a matter of how you define yourself in relation to your parent or parents. The fact is, though, that how you define yourself says a great deal about how things are going for all of you.

Aside from all the history that came before, if you and your aging parents have a less than ideal relationship, your answers to the above questions could have something to do with the reasons. So tell me, are you a caregiver . . or a caretaker? How do you define yourself?

Do you freely give of yourself, your care, your time, your service, etc. (i.e., caregiver)? Or, do you provide care with the expectation of getting something tangible in return (i.e., caretaker)?

Do you care out of love? Or, do you care out of obligation and expectation?

Do you offer and provide care because: - Your parents are your parents; and

- It’s just the way you were raised; and

- The question of doing anything else would be ridiculous?

Or, do you offer and provide care because: - There’s an inheritance at stake; and

- You were raised to believe that you do what you have to do to get what you’re owed; and

- These are the hoops you have to jump through to be the one who gets it as opposed to the others who want it as much as you but aren’t willing to jump through those same hoops?

You’re going to do what you’re going to do. And, you’re going to believe what you’re going to believe about your parents and the relationship you have with them. The really sad part - if you follow the second line of thought, though - is that you have so little trust in the love between parent and child. Maybe that’s justified. I’m sure that’s bound in your history, but I find it it kind of sad.

Caring As Payback

If you see the care you provide your elderly parents as CareTaking, what you really see is “payback” don’t you? I’m curious to know, though, why you connect caring with owing. Why do you treat it more as a business deal than an adult child/aging parent relationship?

What are you afraid of feeling? What are you afraid will happen - really - if you let down your guard and actually give from your heart? Doing anything out of fear is a compromise of yourself and the person you were meant to be. Why sacrifice yourself to fear - even if your parents instilled nothing in you but fear?

Unless, of course, there’s some old anger and resentment driving your decision to “care”. Take care my friend if this is the payback you’re seeking.

If you’ve decided to “care” out of some sense of vindictiveness, stop now! Your parents are old. What do you hope to gain? Remember, you have to live with yourself when they’re gone. Don’t go there, for either of your sakes.

Caring As A Gift

Caregiving is a gift. It’s a gift we give to our aging parents, and to ourselves. (If you are - or have been - a caregiver, you know exactly what I mean.) It’s hard work. It’s exhausting work. It’s frustrating work. It’s WORK!

But caregiving is truly a gift if you have it in yourself to do it. It’s giving of yourself at every level of your being. It’s often wondering what on earth you’ve gotten yourself into, and doing it anyway. It’s noble, at the most nitty-gritty levels. It’s a connecting, and a letting go. It’s a choice.

I don’t know what your history is with your parents. I don’t know what kinds of locks you’ve thrown up over the years to protect yourself from whatever it was they used to define you. I’m not about to judge you for the choices you’ve made in the relationship you have with them - or the relationship you don’t have.

In spite of all that, I will say this one thing: If you’ve made a conscious decision to involve yourself in your elderly parents’ care, do it from that place inside yourself that is the giver rather then the taker. And if you can’t - in good conscience - give your care freely, with no strings attached, step away from the physical act of caring. Make that the gift you give freely. You’ll like yourself better for it in the long run.