Are You Making This Mistake In Your Marriage?

Jun 10 08:26 2008 Larry Bilotta Print This Article

Whether your marriage is headed for divorce, or the two of you are ready to seek professional help, there is one thing YOU can do that may have a significant impact on your marriage, and the way that your spouse perceives you. Here's how...

I receive emails daily from people who ask me for advice,Guest Posting people who share their comments about articles I’ve written over the years and sometimes, I receive emails from people criticizing my point of view.Husband and wife arguing

All of which I am perfectly fine with.

But recently, I opened an email to find this shocking subject line, “Your comment that “Women don’t leave great guys” is horse***t.”

Okay, I admit, I’m reading closely now.

My comment, (actually my wife Marsha’s quote), “Women don’t leave great guys” brought about a firestorm of reaction from this particular man. I’ll call him “Joe” to protect his privacy.

Now I always try to keep in mind that there are two sides to every story. But this article apparently struck a nerve with Joe compelling him to describe to me exactly how and why he was a great guy to his wife and yet - how his wife “repaid” him by drinking and running up all kinds of debt.

As he put it, “I was the great guy who did everything he could including working two jobs averaging 80 to 100 hours a week.”

Joe then began driving his winning point home…

“I’ve asked myself what I did wrong. It was being too forgiving, too understanding and too honest. (Larry,) please think more about the 5% of men who really are great guys before you write another book”, he stated.

Well, I didn’t write a book on this topic, but instead it was an article which you can find by "googling" the following article title:

"Does a Cheating Wife Inevitably Lead To Divorce"?

But I offer Joe’s point of view to you because it sheds some light on the big idea that I don’t want you to miss.

When you’re CONVINCED that you are good, that you are right, that you’ve been done wrong, and then make your case with no room to receive any other point of view, you’ve just risked going BLIND.

That’s right, blind.

We all know it as self righteousness.

It happens when you’ve been hurt so bad by someone you love, know or trust, that you become SO angry…and you just can’t see past your point of view.

But you can prevent this from happening before things get out of control.

Here’s how…

The time to take a good, hard look at your marriage is NOW.

Look for the signs that your marriage is taking a turn for the worst.

And yes, although most spouses are completely shocked when their spouse tells them the marriage is over, there ARE several warning signs that should alert you to a serious problem in your relationship.

Here are 2 of these signs:

1. INTIMACY: Intimacy is the first place to look. When this starts going wrong, you know it because one person is complaining about it, resisting it or criticizing it. If you ignore these small signs and don’t find a way to start talking about this important issue in a safe way the two of you can handle, the complaint gets buried and becomes fuel for resentment.

And that’s when one spouse stops voicing their concerns and goes quiet. Not a good sign.

Which brings me to the next warning sign…

2. TALKING: Another bad sign that your marriage is taking a turn for the worst is when the talking stops. When intimacy goes bad, that should wake you up, but when talking goes sour - that should be a rude awakening.

Intimacy and communication are the two most important components of a fulfilling marriage. Don’t pretend they’re not important. They are.

I hope this blog post will cause you to take a second look at your marriage. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Even if you think you’re the perfect husband or wife, your spouse may think differently. And ultimately, that’s what matters most.

So what if your friends agree that you treat your spouse like gold. Who cares if you’re able to be the sole supporter of your family?

If you want a fulfilling marriage, BOTH of you need to identify, and then meet each others’ needs instead of being what YOU consider a “good husband” or a “good wife”.

It’s your spouses’ perception of you that counts.

If your marriage is failing, instead of looking to blame your spouse for your marriage problems, look in the mirror and put yourself in your spouses’ shoes. Ask your spouse what criteria s/he defines as a good husband or wife.

What you find may surprise you.

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Larry Bilotta
Larry Bilotta

Want to overcome the most difficult issues in your marriage by focusing on the SOLUTION instead of the issues? For a solution-oriented alternative to marriage counseling, visit Larry Bilotta's online marriage counseling alternative web site to get your marriage back on track and overcome your marriage problems.

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