My Husband Gave Me Permission to Have an Affair - Now What? (Video)

Jul 17 19:16 2007 Dan and Jennifer Print This Article

Having an open marriage is interesting enough...

But when your husband encourages you to have an affair, as long as you don’t tell him about it… between the stigma around cheating and affairs, and your own fear that you’re breaking the sacred trust in your relationship, things can get a little more complicated.

Having an open marriage is interesting enough…

But when your husband encourages you to have an affair,Guest Posting as long as you don’t tell him about it… between the stigma around cheating and affairs, and your own fear that you’re breaking the sacred trust in your relationship, things can get a little more complicated.The stigma of infidelity… MUST we call it an affair?

Cheating is not the cause of relationship problems, but rather a symptom of significant relationship issues. People who are happy and content in a relationship - emotionally, spiritually AND sexually, do not go outside the relationship to "cheat". It just doesn’t usually work that way.

There are situations however in which one person can’t meet all of their partner’s needs… leaving that person longing for more, whether it’s emotionally OR sexually.

But if another person is brought into the relationship to meet those needs, is it truly cheating or breaking the trust, or merely breaking some more commonly accepted societal norms around what a marriage or relationship "should be"? What if your partner CAN’T have sex with you?

For whatever reason, often health related issues, some people feel they can no longer have sex. Or maybe they just no longer WANT to have sex.

But in reality, they realize even though they no longer have sexual needs, their partner still does. At this point, the relationship will begin to suffer, since there are unmet needs, and those needs intensify as time goes on. Something eventually has to give, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to be the relationship that collapses under the strain.Do you really want or need to divorce? Is there maybe another way?

So do you really need to divorce or separate, or is there maybe another way?

What if you were to consider an open marriage, or an arrangement by which another person could meet your partner’s sexual needs, while still keeping your marriage, or your relationship, intact?

Certainly this would require even much more trust and communication than a relationship normally does, but it COULD work. At the very least, wouldn’t it be worth trying as a last ditch effort before letting the relationship crumble and deteriorate?

If both partners are willing to approach this situation from a place of true love and acceptance - as opposed to ownership and jealousy - then the relationship may have a chance to survive this challenge.  Love, honesty, and devotion are very different from sex

Many people confuse love, honesty, and devotion to a partner with sexual contact. Those are very different things.

Millions of couples worldwide enjoy the swinging lifestyle (formerly known as wife swapping in previous generations), and they are often brought closer together for sharing such an experience. Rarely does swinging break a couple apart - unless they’re doing it just as an excuse to have sex with other people, and to mask deeper relationship problems.

While swinging only involves sharing your partner with others for sex, many couples engage in polyamory, where there is an actual love relationship between multiple partners and couples. It’s easy to forget sometimes that not all cultures today or throughout history have practiced monogamy.Isn’t that heresy? Is it even legal?

Our society is a blend of many different religious and spiritual influences. One man’s sin is another man’s redemption.

Fact is, you decide how you wish to live your own life, and as long as nobody gets hurt, it’s not anyone’s business but your own. This can only work of as long as you are completely open and honest with your partner about the situation and any feelings that arise from it.

And set the ground rules ahead of time to avoid problems later on… from safe sex to whether or not you want to meet this new person and know in depth what your partner is doing with them.

Although sharing your partner sexually with another person may sounds like a very bad idea to some, and it may go against what you were taught growing up, isn’t it at least worth considering if it could save your relationship?

This is the very issue one lady in Scotland is facing.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have looked at a number of your letters but have found it quite difficult to find a corresponding answer to my question:

What if your husband finds it emotionally impossible ( because of work stress and being very overweight )(and physically impossible for a number of medical reasons such as sleep apnea ) to have sex but I so desperately want sex?

And now when he says I should find someone else for a sexual relationship ( just as long as I don’t tell him! )? We have been married for thirty years and have three children ( now grown-up).

I am now very attracted to a colleague at my work and he is to me but feel torn yet desperately need a physical connection….I have not had sex with my husband for approx 12 years and it is driving me crazy, crazy enough to consider an affair but my religion and upbringing are such deterrents. I feel I cannot leave my husband yet I also feel he has given me "permission" to have an affair, oh dear I don’t know what the right way forward is I do hope you can help. I am very confused.

 – A. (Argyll, Scotland, UK)

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question… (

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Dan and Jennifer
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