Breakup Avoidance in Three Easy Steps

Few things in life are as disagreeable as a breakup.  There's more than enough hurt to go around, and things are said that can never be withdrawn. Relationships that started as friendships often dissolve into acrimony and hatred. Breakups sometimes take place when the couple still love each other - this is so very tragic, but dramatic circumstances within the relationship prevent the couple from being together.

It's easy to tell when a long-term relationship is in trouble.  There's something missing, always, in the environment - the gentle banter of chit-chat at the table and in the home, even when they're each involved in different activities.  Each always seems to be too busy to go with the other.  The level of tension between them is palpable.

Of course, there's no longer any physical intimacy between them - that's usually one of the first casualties of an impending breakup.  Even eye contact is avoided - neither seems to want to notice the other.  Even when both are at home, it's a cold and grim place.

Both parties in the relationship know there's a problem - if a stranger in the home can see it, of course they're aware.  If they want to repair and restore the relationship, the first thing they've got to do is sit down together and honestly confront their problems together. This isn't a time for assessing fault, but for two grownups who care about each other to analyze their relationship honestly and openly with each other.  It's the beginning of re-establishing communications between them.

After talking together, they must part for a while and meditate on their talk and on whether they're willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to save the relationship.  This is no time for either to give lip service to saving the relationship - if either one isn't committed to preserving the relationship, they should let it end.

If, in their hearts, they both want to salvage the relationship, it's time to start talking about the specific problems they're encountering and working out solutions. Don't get all tangled up in your ego now - you've got a chance to save your relationship; don't blow it by pointing fingers and assigning "accountability."  When a relationship's in trouble, the blame rarely falls only on one person's shoulders.  Instead, concentrate on identifying and resolving problems that are breaking you two apart.  Agree to do only to those things you can honestly and sincerely do - don't make promises you can't keep.  If that's your style, you might as well break up now.

Now it's time to start the second step - rebuilding your dreams and goals.  You've identified problems and at least tentatively set about solving them.  Perhaps some of them were due to the dreams and promises you shared when you first got together being abandoned; perhaps one or both of you grew out of them and left the other behind.  Now's the time to come back together and synchronize your dreams and discover that road of common interests and hopes to walk together. If you care deeply about each other even though you don't really share many interests or dreams, don't be too concerned - some special couples have glorious relationships without sharing any particular interests or aspirations, but those they have are complementary.  As long as you can keep on caring for each other and continue to express it in word and in deed, your relationship should stay secure and thrive.

Finally, keep your eye on the prize - repairing your relationship and making it even better than it was before.  Keep on communicating - falling back into the old habit of not communicating will drag you down into the same rut.  And if you need help, don't be embarrassed, go ahead and ask for it! Now you're at a point where you've become used to problem-solving, and when new issues crop up, you're more than able to deal with them immediately so that they don't become overwhelming.  The time will come when, looking back, the two of you will recognize that this crisis was probably the best thing that happened to you!