How to Deal with the 'Food Bully'

Sometimes it takes a while to build up the courage and momentum to do something about your weight. So when you finally take the plunge, you want all the support you can get. Feeling good about yourself comes from the inside as well as the outside, and when you do start to see the results of your hard work you're likely to be very proud that you have been able to stick to your weight loss program. It also makes sense that with all the work you have put in, you don't want anybody or anything messing things up. And here's where I'd like to talk about the 'Food Bully'.

She might be your sister, she might be your mother-in-law....she could even be your best friend. Often the food bully can pop up in the most unlikely circumstances. Whoever she is, one thing is for sure; she's an expert in pushing the guilt trip buttons. She probably doesn't even consciously know that her behaviour is aggressive, because she believes with all her heart that when you reject her offer of food, you reject HER...and that makes her very angry. Here are some common examples of Food-Bully tantrums:

* 'What do you mean you're not hungry???'

* 'After ALL the work I put in!!';

* 'I bought it just for you....the least you can do is eat it';

* 'Would it KILL you to show some appreciation for this meal I have cooked??';

* I slaved ALL day!! You'd better eat it or else!'

Why do people become Food Bullies? On many levels, food and eating are very emotional subjects because most people associate the preparation, provision and sharing of food with love and comfort. Many mothers show love to their children by cooking them lovely treats, and sharing food together is one of the most pleasurable pastimes. So it makes sense that a person may feel rejected personally by you if you decline their offer of a home cooked meal or a special treat that has been prepared with a labour of love.

'Kate' came to me with a real dilemma; every week she would visit her parents. Her mother was a great cook and in the past, 'Kate' had always relished the large, delectable banquets that her mum took great care to prepare. But things were starting to get awkward now, because 'Kate' was torn between upsetting her mother and sticking to her weight loss program.

'Kate' was so attached to keeping her mother happy that she often ate when she was not hungry, or chose the foods which were not consistent with her weight loss goals. Subsequently she began to regain the weight she had worked so hard to release. So what was 'Kate's problem? Was it her mother? No. You see, 'Kate' was a people-pleaser. She was so afraid of confrontation that she often did things she didn't want to do, just to keep the peace. The situation with her mum was just the tip of the iceberg. It became clear to me that Kate and I needed to do some serious assertiveness work, and once we did this she found herself back on track.

The good news is; you don't have to become a slave to the Food Bullies in your life. Learning to say no sometimes is very important, and really good for your relationships in general. Now, I'm not suggesting for one moment that you behave in a selfish or rude manner; there are many reasonable ways to say no and it's okay to decline an offer of food if you have already eaten or if you are not hungry. You don't have to eat something just to avoid hurting another person's feelings, nor do you have to explain yourself or make excuses. If the person who has offered you the food truly cares about you, then he or she will respect your wishes. If not....well, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your friendships.

What about the 'Food Bully' who wants a partner in crime? When you begin to lose weight, you may find that the dynamics of your close relationships change. 'Dana' was always known as the 'funny, fat friend' amongst her peers. When she started to lose weight and get attention from the men, some of her so called 'friends' did not like this one bit. She found herself being plied with chocolate croissants, donuts and chocolate. Once again I make the point; know who your friends are. Ditch the jealous fake friends.

Long term weight management is about respecting you and respecting others. Remember: we teach people how to treat us. You are not responsible for other people's reactions any more that you are responsible for the sun rising in the sky. If you find yourself on the receiving end of a Food Bully tantrum, then so be it. That's not your stuff. Let go of the need to please everybody and you will lose weight easily and effortlessly.