The Third Pillar of a Strong Marriage: Cultivating Kindness and Love

Apr 3
14:32

2024

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.

  • Share this article on Facebook
  • Share this article on Twitter
  • Share this article on Linkedin

In the journey of marriage, kindness and love are the cornerstones that can fortify the bond between partners. This article delves into the third of four pivotal rules that can enhance, perfect, or even rescue a marital relationship. If you're catching up, the previous articles in this series can be found at Save The Marriage.

Understanding the Essence of Kindness in Marriage

Kindness in marriage transcends mere politeness; it's about fostering a supportive and caring environment. It's not about the absence of conflict or never experiencing negative emotions towards your spouse. Instead,The Third Pillar of a Strong Marriage: Cultivating Kindness and Love Articles it's about consistently choosing to act with compassion and understanding, even during challenging times.

The Misconception of Love as a Feeling

Many people mistakenly equate love with a perpetual state of warm, fuzzy emotions. However, love is more accurately described as a verb—an action. It's about the things we do for our partner, rather than just the feelings we experience. This concept is echoed across various religious teachings, which encourage us to act with love towards everyone, including those we may not like.

The Two Categories of Love Actions

  1. Kindness: This involves avoiding negative behaviors such as name-calling, demeaning, or insulting your partner. Instead, it means being supportive, caring, and concerned for their well-being.

  2. Loving Actions: These go a step further by considering what your spouse needs to feel loved. It's about understanding and responding to their unique love language, thereby strengthening the relationship.

The Golden Rule of Love

The Golden Rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," is a familiar adage. However, when applied to love, it evolves into "love others as they need to be loved." This principle acknowledges that what makes one person feel loved may not resonate with another. Therefore, it's crucial to understand and act according to your partner's specific needs.

Breaking the Cycle of Withholding Love

A common trap couples fall into is withholding love when they feel unloved themselves, creating a destructive cycle. To break free from this pattern, one must consciously choose to act with love, regardless of their current emotional state. This proactive approach can reignite feelings of love and lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

The Irony of Loving Actions

Interestingly, when we engage in acts of love, we often begin to feel more loving emotions. Waiting for the emotions to inspire loving actions can lead to stagnation. In contrast, by initiating loving behaviors, we can cultivate the very emotions we seek. Reflecting on the early stages of a relationship, it's clear that love grows through the actions we take towards each other, not the other way around.

Embracing Rule #3: Be Kind and Act Lovingly

By adhering to the third rule, "be kind and act lovingly," couples can regain control over the direction of their relationship. It's about making a conscious decision to nurture the partnership through deliberate, loving actions, rather than being led by fleeting emotions.

The Impact of Kindness and Love on Marital Satisfaction

Research has shown that kindness and generosity are key predictors of marital satisfaction. A study by the University of Virginia's National Marriage Project found that couples who regularly practice generosity towards each other report higher levels of happiness in their marriage. Additionally, a survey by the Pew Research Center revealed that sharing household chores and responsibilities in a spirit of cooperation is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction.

In conclusion, the third rule of marriage emphasizes the importance of kindness and love as active choices that can profoundly influence the health and happiness of a relationship. By understanding and applying this principle, couples can create a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership.