Couples Relationship Assessment - Section 6 - Stoke the Fires: Solve the Passion Equation

Jun 17 07:06 2008 Glenn Cohen Print This Article

Keeping passion alive is vital to your relationship.  When you are faced with daily stressors and challenges of life together, you stand a much better chance of resolving problems, overcoming obstacles, and recovering from conflict if the relationship is passionate.

Keeping passion alive is vital to your relationship.  When you are faced with daily stressors and challenges of life together,Guest Posting you stand a much better chance of resolving problems, overcoming obstacles, and recovering from conflict if the relationship is passionate.

Remember this important adage: “Couples who love together and laugh together stay together.”

If you are in the midst of relationship distress and turmoil, you will be hard pressed to uncover the true core of your struggle.  Becoming glued to everyday surface issues and problems, you will identify with superficial content while ignoring the deeper rhythm of your relationship dance.  It is not until you gain the insight and self-awareness to look intensely into your own mirror that you begin “knowing.”

No two individuals share the same perspective.  Recognition and understanding of your partner’s perspectives are precursors to healthy communication.  Such insight is also a prerequisite for the feelings of mutual safety, trust, respect, and admiration.  Once you begin to understand one another’s views of the current state of the relationship, you are in the right position to change and Co-Create the relationship of your dreams.

In Section 6 of the Couples Relationship Assessment, you will score statements that correspond to the following chapters from The Journey from “I-TO-WE”

Chapter 18 - Create Passion – Romance is the First Step

Romance, the first component of passion, exists when a relationship contains the positive feelings of peace, respect, fulfillment, happiness and love.  Each person has a uniquely private definition of romance.  Do you know the words, actions and behaviors that make up your Romance Language?  Do you know your partner’s? 

“I-TO-WE” offers a broad definition of romance: the loving words you want to hear, the actions you need to see, and the behaviors you desire to experience to make you smile, warm your heart, and fill your soul with positive energy.   Romance describes the happiness experienced when you receive a gift from your partner for no particular reason.  It is the love that stems from recognizing a gift from the heart, which reflects your deepest needs and makes you feel wanted, desired and loved.

Chapter 19 - Learn and Speak Each Other’s Intimacy Language

It may seem like a simple concept, so why does the idea of intimacy often cause such big problems in relationships?  Even for two people who are deeply in love, their perspectives on intimacy can be quite different.

Nevertheless, intimacy has the power to take romance to the next level.  It involves your most personal needs, desires and dreams of feeling loved.  It includes your expectations about how you will be satisfied.  It entails your yearning to feel a deep connection and loving bond.  It encompasses what you can do to help each other feel safe, loved and cared for in a profoundly spiritual sense. 

In total, intimacy reflects all that you say and do to relay the message: I am absolutely in love with you.

Chapter 20 - Experience the Wonderful World of Sexuality

Sexuality, like Intimacy, has a different meaning for each individual and couple.  “I-TO-WE” offers a broad definition for sexuality—the loving words, actions and behaviors that produce the passion, excitement, connection, and deep bonding co-created before, during and after partners make love. 

Once you have learned and mastered the art of romance, and also established feelings of intimacy, the foundation exists for a satisfying and fulfilling sensual and sexual relationship.

Much of creating intimacy can also be applied to co-creating the sex life you desire.  To teach one another your Sexuality Language, you and your partner must define the vocabulary. 

Are you ready to continue your journey to gain the awareness, learn the skills and practice the techniques to achieve relationship success at home, at work and within yourself?

Section 6 – Complete steps 1-4.  Step 5-9 will be completed in Section 7

Step 1 – Your perspective of yourself - Rate your degree of agreement with each statement on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a definite “yes” and 1 being a definite “no.”  Using a black pen, write your score on the first line to the left of each statement.

Step 2 – Your perspective of your partner - Rate your partner according to how you feel the statement applies to him or her from your perspective.  Using a black pen, write your score on the second line to the left of each statement.

Example:     10_     8_- 1 - I am committed to our relationship.

If you feel you are 100% committed, place a 10 as shown above.  If you feel your partner is only 80% committed, place an 8 on the second space.

Step 3 – When you have completed each of the topics, total all of the scores within each topic, and write the number in the space marked Topic Score. When you and your partner have finished scoring your Assessments, let each other know.

Step 4 – No matter what number your partner writes down, refrain from reacting negatively to your partner’s scores.  Be supportive; do not get defensive, resentful, or angry.  Begin to create safety in the relationship by thanking your partner for having the courage to trust you by sharing his or her true thoughts and feelings.

Step 5 – At the top of the “Our Relationship Assessment” page is a space to record the date and your names.  Record your perspective of yourself score beneath your name.  Next, when your partner shares the total topic score from his or her workbook, record it beneath his or her name.

Step 6 – Total both of your scores for each topic and divide by 200 to get the percentage score.  Place this under the Topic Percentage Score heading to the right of your individual scores.

Step 7 – Total your individual scores for each topic; divide by 21.  Place both of the average sums in the appropriate Total Relationship Score line at the end of the “Our Relationship Assessment.”  Add your two percentages, divide by two, and place the number to the right of your individual Total Relationship Scores.  This is the percentage score for your assessment.

Step 8 – In the “Our Relationship Assessment” section, using a black pen, place a checkmark to the left of each topic heading that has a Total Percentage Score of 80 or above.  Celebrate these and focus on the positives they bring to your relationship.

Step 9 – Place a red X to the left of each topic heading that has a percentage score below 80.  Be mindful of the topics that score between 60 and 79.  Here, you have room to improve, but such areas are less dire than any topics with scores below 60.  They are the areasthat need the most immediate attention.

Chapter 18 - Create Passion – Romance is the First Step

_______  _______ - 1 - I know what my partner wants and needs to make him or her smile, warm his or her heart and fill his or her soul with positive energy.

_______  _______ - 2 - I give my partner gifts of loving actions every day.

_______  _______ - 3 - I give my partner gifts of unexpected surprises.

_______  _______ - 4 - I plan activities to create excitement in our relationship.

_______  _______ - 5 - I enjoy our recreational activities together.

_______  _______ - 6 - I know my partner’s Romance Language and enjoy speaking it every day.

_______  _______ - 7 - I am inspired to give three romance gifts to my partner every day.

_______  _______ - 8 - I give gifts unselfishly and unconditionally, with no obligations.

_______  _______ - 9 - I feel joy when I make my partner smile.

_______  _______ - 10 - I show appreciation and affection when I receive a gift.

_______  _______ - Topic Score

Chapter 19 - Learn and Speak Each Other’s Intimacy Language

_______  _______ - 1 - I have defined my Intimacy Language.

_______  _______ - 2 - I feel safe to share my most intimate thoughts and feelings.

_______  _______ - 3 - I have shared my Intimacy Language with my partner.

_______  _______ - 4 - My partner speaks my Intimacy Language and I see, feel, and hear that he or she is absolutely in love with me.

_______  _______ - 5 - I have learned my partner’s Intimacy Language.

_______  _______ - 6 - I am inspired to speak my partner’s Intimacy Language every day.

_______  _______ - 7 - I give my partner an intimacy gift every day, unconditionally.

_______  _______ - 8 - I have identified any intimacy blockages I have, and moved past my denials and fears.

_______  _______ - 9 - We have a plan and I work to Co-Create intimacy in our relationship.

_______  _______ - 10 - I understand that intimacy is only one step in the Passion Equation.

_______  _______ - Topic Score

Chapter 20 - Experience the Wonderful World of Sexuality

_______  _______ - 1 - I feel safe about and enjoy telling my partner my sexual desires and fantasies.

_______  _______ - 2 - I listen and am attentive to my partner’s sexual desires and fantasies. 

_______  _______ - 3 - I take the time to enjoy my partner’s Intimacy Language before sex.

_______  _______ - 4 - I am sensitive and considerate to my partner’s state at the time of sex.

_______  _______ - 5 - I take the time to assist my partner to enjoy the experience.

_______  _______ - 6 - I am inspired to satisfy my partner sexually in the way he or she wants.

_______  _______ - 7 - I am not sexually inhibited or selfish.

_______  _______ - 8 - I do not demand or expect too much sexually from my partner.

_______  _______ - 9 - I do not use sex as a weapon.

_______  _______ - 10 - I know how to accept and request a sexual behavior change.

_______  _______ - Topic Score

So, how did you score?  When you completed this section, were you surprised by your partner’s responses.  It is very telling when you turn toward each other and say, “I had no idea you felt that way.”  Such awareness begins the process.  Consequently, the assessment will illustrate strengths and weaknesses along with the varying perspectives that you and your partner bring to the relationship.  I encourage you to complete all 7 of the Couples Relationship Assessments. 

My hope is that this assessment series is the beginning of a guide for you on a wonderful journey together as you begin to cross the bridge into your field of sunflowers.  Remember to live each day honoring The 12 Principles of Emotionally Intelligent Relationships.

From now until eternity,

may you always remain each other’s…

Best Friend during the Day,

Lover at Night, and

Partner for Life

©2008 – All rights reserved –Glenn Cohen - “I-TO-WE” Relationship Coaching

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About Article Author

Glenn Cohen
Glenn Cohen

Glenn Cohen is a certified relationship coach.  He coaches individuals, couples and works with companies across the country.  He conducts workshops, speeches, seminars and trains coaches, healthcare professionals, religious counselors, and corporations on the use of his program.  You may contact him at 843-852-9828 or his website, www.i-to-we.org

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