’EQ’ Your Request and Increase Your Chances of Getting It

May 10 21:00 2004 Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach Print This Article

Areceli has a ... time with ... both in her personal life and at work. When I listen to her ask someone for ... I ... why. Her requests are almost always ... but

Areceli has a difficult time with relationships both in her personal life and at work. When I listen to her ask someone for something,Guest Posting I understand why. Her requests are almost always legitimate, but her presentation defeats her.

Areceli expects to get a “no,” even with the smallest request, so she starts off with a plaintive and whiny tone of voice. She acts like it’s hopeless and she’s helpless.

She begins with, “I know you aren’t going to do this for me,” and a sigh.
When someone does say “no” to her, she gets angry. She either says something flippant, like, “Like you would’ve helped me,” or raises her voice and says, “You never give me what I want.”

No, she’s not three years old, she’s an adult who has very low Emotional intelligence. No one ever taught her the competencies she needs to understand her own emotions or those and others, and bring about win-win outcomes.

Use these Emotional Intelligence competencies to maximize your chances of getting what you want:


You may be urgent in your request, but understand the other person’s position. Most of us want to please those around us, when possible; that is, we have good will. When someone asks us for something, we go through a bit of an emotional loop – Will they demand and be impossible? Can I give this without harming myself? Will this become never-ending? If I say “no” to this person who is important to me, will it create a problem?

Understand that a request may stress the person you’re asking and make your request calm and pleasant, and your reaction to their response, pleasant and gracious.

2. Personal Power.

Personal power means you know you’re capable of handling your life. When you approach from this standpoint, you won’t come on begging or demanding. No one wants to have a demand placed on them. It immediately raises resistance. However, no one minds a request.

Has someone ever said to you, “I want this-and-such or I’m leaving,” or “If you don’t call me tonight this relationship is over”? EQ dictates -- Don’t demand, request. Ask. This gives other people permission to satisfy themselves while taking care of you.

3. Integrated Self: Staying centered.

Only when we’re three years old do we think we’re going to die if we don’t get what we want … or as teenagers … or as adults, if we aren’t thinking straight. EQ means being able to think clearly and act appropriately while under the press of strong emotions (your own and others’). Yes, it’s important to have that raise/hot fudge sundae/kiss/help with the dishes, but life will still go on without them.

The less ‘desperate’ you are, the more likely you’ll get what you want. Just a rule of life.

Before you make this request, do what we call “the EQ-Checkin.” Ask yourself “How am I feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.” This will get you in touch with all parts of yourself, and prepare you to make reasonable requests in a reasonable manner.

4. Trust Radius.

The past ended one minute ago. Don’t let it make you cynical, bitter and untrustful of others. If you approach your life that way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are suspicious, other people pick up on it. They then think there’s a reason to be suspicious themselves … emotions are CONTAGIOUS.

Approach other people ASSUMING they are going to give you what you want. Unless it’s a preposterous request, or you state it in such a way it becomes one, you’re likely to get it. Consider for a moment how you would ask for something if you “knew” you would get it. You would be matter-of-fact, courteous, gently forthright, and brief.

Think of the relationships that do run smoothly for you. A simple, “Let’s stop here for a snack before we continue the drive,” is all it takes.

5.Constructive Discontent.

The relationships in your life are ongoing. You’ll be making further requests, so establish a positive pattern. If you are denied, take it well. Don’t make the other person feel uncomfortable.

When you are given what you request, express your gratitude. No one – no matter how intimately involved with you – MUST give you what you ask for. You are not “entitled” to anything. So when you get what you want, let them know how much you appreciate it. This sets the stage for further good things to happen. No one wants to be taken for granted.


Formulate what you want in such a way it can be met. Be willing to accommodate. You may want to stop on the road for a snack … can you wait another 30 minutes in order to accommodate your partner who has his own reasons? Can you wait for a place that has barbecue? Can you wait for a place that also sells gas?


You’ll remove the desperation if you’re creative in finding ways to get what you want.

If you’re told “no,” and there’s somewhere else you can get it, go there. This will increase your personal power and also take the pressure off your relationship with the original person.

Sometimes when the first person see you going elsewhere, they rush in to give it as well. There’s no accounting for human nature; it’s a reality to be dealt with.


Ariceli’s whining voice shows she intends to be turned down. If you intend to state your reasonable request forthrightly, knowing you have a right to request and expect it to be given due consideration and granted if possible, and you get much of what you ask for, let it show.


Ah, the master EQ competency. How do you know whom to ask and when? Use your intuition! Work with an EQ coach to develop this important lifeskill.

10.Optimism – the facilitator of all the EQ Competencies.

The reason things aren’t working for Areceli is she’s pessimistic. She expects to be turned down. This makes her timid to make the request in the first place, and defeatist when she does.

When she IS turned down, like all pessimists Areceli makes it “personal,’ permanent and pervasive.” How does this work? Let’s say she asked Ben to give her the day off. He declined. He had his reasons. Areceli told herself, “He said ‘no’ because I’m no good at asking (personal), I never will be (permanent), “and furthermore, I’m not good at anything (pervasive).”

Now when we check with Ben, here’s why he declined. Three other people in Areceli’s department had already been granted the day off. Any other day, he would’ve been glad to let her go. It’s as simple as that.

Develop your Emotional Intelligence competencies and apply them to all areas of your life for more positive results. EQ has more to do with success, happiness and health than IQ, and it can be learned.

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Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach

©Susan Dunn, MA Psychology, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and eBooks to increase your Emotional Intelligence and make your life work better. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. Want to become an EQ coach? Email me and ask about our affordable, fast, no-residency certification program.

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