Most anger management techniques do not help. After teaching communication skills for almost ten years, here are insider secret ways most communication and relationship trainers don't even know to help you control anger.
1. What Anger is Really Saying
Though this article is about controlling anger problems in conflict, understand that anger is not bad. When you treat an emotion like guilt, shame, or anger as "bad", you avoid it because it represents pain.
The top five ways to control and manage your anger in conflict that I'm sharing with you are unintended to avoid or suppress anger. Acknowledge that anger is okay to exist because it communicates a message you need to hear.
Anger in conflict usually signals emotional or physical trespassing or disrespect. Once you feel violated, ignored, or avoided, intense anger surfaces. It helps to manage conflict when you see that anger signals an unmet need you can fulfill.
2. Communicate your needs with "I" statements
You get into relationship-trouble when you ignore the messages anger has for you as you attack another person.
A simple way to minimize your tendency to attack is not use the word "you". Do not say, "You need to stop playing games and clean up your room." You can say, "I would like you to stop playing games and clean up your room." Notice the difference? Amazing!
3. Breathe
It seems almost silly to breathe when you're angry, but this could be the greatest anger management technique I've discovered. When you're angry in conflict, you cannot manage your anger or listen to someone because your brain is depleted of oxygen.
That explains why no one hears you when they are angry!
Practice deep slow breathes to reduce your anger at a physiological level so you can effectively communicate for better relationships.
4. Journal your anger
Writing down what made you angry is helpful because it acknowledges and expresses anger. It's best to communicate your needs to someone, but some times this is not possible so you can write about the situation in your diary.
Journaling helps process anger and manage what made you angry in the first place. It can lead you to reframe the situation to see what hurt you in a healthier light.
5. Have a key word
Develop a key word with someone you get angry at to let you know it's time to cool off. It's helpful for someone else to say this word because you may be unable to detect your anger in a fight from oxygen deprivation.
Use any word that is out of the blue so you know it means you must go away to relax. "Elephant", "saw", and "plate" are just a few words that can be used to help control anger problems in conflict.
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