To All the Men I'll Never Love Again

Where do I begin to tell the stories of what a fatal sin it was falling for you all. I can do little but grin when I remember how a name of yours rings a heartache or two. And oh, how glad now I could rid myself of each one - old and new. I believe if I have accomplished a thing in this life, it must have been un-loving you. Please forgive my poetic mood and my very un-Iglesias lack of grace. He is a man and must have enjoyed being on the receiving end forever.

With each lazy giver, I lost a dream.And every time, I experienced La Vie en Violet, until things became crystal clear, finally. Men seem to take your love vows for total surrender to them, and your fate. So, why should they invest any effort in you, now that they have got you? Better not waste time and chase someone new. Otherwise, it gets very boring . No flowers are sent forever; and watch out, women, if you are getting them for no reason past the first year! He is cheating on you- period. Always remember that Philip- Junot-creep buying Caroline de Monaco all the furs and jewels to cover up his disloyalty to the exceedingly beautiful princess. Why do men stick to you like glue when they go here and there behind your back? Mostly, it is a security issue; they cannot live alone, ever. Better have an anchor and board a dozen ships! And when they run away with someone else? It is because you serve no purpose to them anymore now that they could replace you entirely.

What are men looking for that you failed to supply? Variety. If you could be short yet tall, fat though slim, smart but dim, happy-go-lucky and yet a calculated vamp, blonde but colored, sexy and demure, trashy and classy - in short, if you could be you and me and her and her too, then you might be able to keep him ( unless he turns out to be bisexual or worse still, polyamorous). But not all men are cheaters? Of course not. Not all, just most. And if they are not cheaters, they will push you to all limits to cheat on them. If you fail, they would die at the most inopportune moment in your life for an accidental reason like in a plane crash or through anal pleasure with a vibrator. Did you hear of Mike Todd? And Claude Francois? Those are the only men after Jesus who left no feminine scandals attached to their names.

And if the other woman is not as beautiful as you? Do not worry! He will find something else with which she can compete and win you - perhaps she is good at jokes? Perhaps she is Spanish?( Think Penelope Cruz!); Perhaps she looks like his mother? (think Camila Parker!); perhaps she is a cartoonist he met again in Paris (think Sally-Ann Lasson!); And who knows, perhaps she was married to his best friend; she even could be your best friend , which should translate automatically to a better you - you know. Yet, you could be one of those very lucky few. He would leave a model for you, give you a cocaine addiction then hang himself in a hotel room (think Michael Hutchinson!).

What are men good for? Tough question. They could open doors, carry heavy shopping bags, pay bills, give you a fake orgasm when you are dying to feel like a porn star, give you a name to use for the rest of your life, grant you a divorce settlement, bestow a title, and call you the mother of their children out of respect to show eternal gratitude. And if most of the above do not apply? They can paint walls, drain pipes, mow grass and arrange a troubadore life for you and the children in anything ranging from a caravan to single-mothers homes. They can even leave a wedding picture to testify you were desired by at least one testosterone-infected creature so you would never be accused of being an old maid. Not even that? So we are talking gigolos; but then you must be filthy rich, horribly ugly and obviously old. If you are all that, you are a born winner. You can afford the best human vibrators and pay nothing but cash for excellent services.

Did I say I was writing this to all the men I loved before who were shown my back door? I said it when I only meant them to know what I say behind their back to all the women they have in store.Sing please!