Witnessing our loved ones entangled in an abusive relationship can be as painful for us as we imagine life in the relationship to be for them. Knowing how and what to do in the face of this pain will save your relationship with your abused loved one.
Why do we hate victims of domestic abuse?
We hate the hold their perpetrators have over them when it interferes with us getting what love and affection we are accustom to receiving from them.
We hate the frustration of not being able to shake them awake. We hate their choosing to be controlled over the life they had before their abusive relationship.
We don't hate them. We hate what their abusive relationship means to us.
How can we reconcile their choice without it further compromising our relationship with them?
The answer to this question can ultimately save your relationship with them. And moreover,
potentially save them as well.
A) Remember they are the keeper of their temple, and they are ultimately responsible to and for their choices.
B) Our ability to honor their position is as important to the well-being of our relationship with them as our motivation to rock their boat.
C) After we have expressed our opinions, played our hand, disclosed the facts we observe, provided the appropriate domestic abuse resources, etc., the rest is theirs.
Relationships are dynamic. As we can remain there for our loved one in an abusive relationship, we can be there when they are ready to grab our hand for help. But until that time, we must be mindful of whom we are helping if we reach out from our own losses.
What can happen if we bully our help with abused loved ones?
Some people believe in the "tough love" approach to helping loved ones in an abusive relationship. However more often than not, this backfires.
It tells the abused to exercise caution when they are on the outward stroke of the relationship, because candor says "you're right." And when the time comes when you are needed most, you maybe the last person to be called. Ultimately, you may very well nourish the sinking of the lifeboat that you could have been for your friend or loved one in an abusive relationship.
Keep the lifeboat afloat and enjoy whatever elements of relationship you have with your loved one while on the inward as well as the outward stroke of an abusive relationship.
Domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes...all levels of danger, oppression and control. There is no one other than the victim in an abusive relationship that knows their situation better than themselves.
As we trust and respect that, we give them what is probably missing in their abusive relationship and we model what we so earnestly long for them to have.
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